It isn’t always easy to believe that it will all work out when you first embark on something new. You hope, you dream, you try to set everything into place in a way that will give it the highest chance of success, but there’s always the chance that things will go wrong, that they might not work they way you had in your head; that the unthinkable could happen.
I think I know my men. I know why I am with each of them, and what they bring to me and my life; I think I know what I bring to theirs. But life is changeable, what we want/desire changes too, people change.
A has always been my stability, my place to come home to, the one that loves me in spite of my faults (and sometimes because of them), who lets me be me, who comforts me and supports me and, simply, loves me. W is the “mean guy”, the one that brings me pleasure in the sweet danger of living on the edge, of exploring those dark parts of myself that I sometimes don’t even want to acknowledge exist. He pushes me to find those places and then to allow myself to accept them. In that way, strangely enough, he, too, is a nurturer, because he makes me feel safe enough to go to those places, knowing that he will be there to bring me back; that he will love me and hold me in spite of the fact that–or perhaps because–I have gone there, with him, for him.
This is one of the beautiful things about my life– the pieces all fit together. We all fit together, even though we don’t all fit together, I mean our relationships aren’t entwined so much as complementary. Our relationships, each of the four that there are (W and I, A and I, A and W, all three of us) have elements that are enhanced and reinforced by the others. When I say I want and need them both, and the specific things that each brings to me, I mean exactly that. Being poly means not expecting one person to fulfill every part, every need, and I am sure it must be a relief to the two of them not to have to try and be everything to me.
But there are times when what one is collides with what the other is, when roles bump up against each other, and then I have a moment of unease, a moment of worry, a moment of “And how’s this going to work?” because one of the things I do is think too much, worry too much, overanalyze. No really, I do. It’s just one my adorable quirks.
And then, to my delight, “It all works out.”
That’s a reference to a comment made on one of the discussion threads on FetLife, my kinky online home. That particular thread talked about where we, as submissives/masochists/bottoms “like” to be flogged: our asses, our thighs, our shoulders? What’s our favorite? (Click here for thread.) My comment was to the effect of, “Does it matter what I like? I say, ‘I really like being flogged on the butt,’ and he says, ‘I know, that’s why I didn’t do it there.’ Umm, yeah. lol The other’s comment was similar, “it doesn’t matter what I like,” but put much more succinctly: “It all works out. He likes it when I fuss and I like to be broken.”
That’s so perfect, and the way it should be. We find the puzzle piece that fits, that mysterious “other” (or “others”) whose needs, desires, values & expectations fit with our own, and the world is a happy place. Everyone fulfilled, everyone’s needs met, life is good. Cuts back on a whole lotta heartache and drama. Course, judging by the number of people embroiled in drama & heartbreak, that’s obviously a lot easier said than done, but that’s another topic.
“It all works out…” and all that that implies in finding those mysterious other(s) that fit, applies to my relationships. And all that was wonderfully apparent the other night, regardless of my useless worrying.
What happened was that A and I went over to W’s and played. W took pictures (lots, I’ll post a couple here and if you’re really interested, they’ll be up eventually at Bondage Demons, along with a more detailed accounting of the session) while A tied me and spanked me. It wasn’t our—mine and W’s—usual kind of scene. W tends to be intense, focused, serious, intent on torment and torture, on pushing boundaries and playing on the edge. Our whole relationship isn’t like that, there’s a lot of love and laughter and play and discussion and just being lovers and friends too (we actually date, lol), but our BDSM play is different than A’s and mine. And frankly, I wasn’t sure a) how I would feel about playing with A in front of W; b) how A would feel about playing in front of W; and c) what W would think of it. I want my guys to like each other, to respect each other, to enjoy playing together with me (yeah, again, it’s all about ME)…would this damage/change that? What would W think of how silly Ad is at times, of how we tease and I push and it’s I playful? Would he enjoy our dynamic? Would Ad feel the need to act differently, to perform for W? Because that is something I don’t want, at all costs, for any of us. Although public play is “performance” to some degree, I don’t want our interactions, the inside of what goes on, in public or private play, to ever be. That is what I love about what it is we do, and who I do it with–the authenticity, the reality, of the emotion and the energy. And additionally, A has had issues about playing in front of people before, of being “on stage” so-to-speak, and I didn’t want that to be an issue either. So yeah, I worried about those things.
Turns out I didn’t need to worry at all. Ad “rose to the challenge”, and enjoyed every minute of it. He was shocked at how many pictures there were when I showed him the series because, as he said, he “didn’t even realize W was there at times,” he was so involved in what we were doing. At others he played off that interaction, and thoroughly enjoyed have W there, as part of it. He liked teasing me in front of W, he liked making me squeal, he liked W’s reactions. It became part of the excitement of the scene for him, although I don’t think he knew that it would be, going in. I had experienced this aspect to Ad once before, when I was with my ex, and the three of us had played, so I had wondered if it might hold true in this instance as well. I was intensely gratified to find that it did. And as for W…well, he loved it, too, loved the way we play, appreciated our dynamic, and enjoyed being a part of it. I think he enjoyed playing photographer/voyeur as well and found the whole experience as hot and stimulating as I did, and his presence of course added to my own enjoyment & excitement. And then later, after Ad had given me a pretty good spanking, they took me to the couch downstairs and, with Ad on one end of me and W on the other, pinched, pulled, fingered, bit and mauled me to a quaking, shaking orgasm. Oh yeah, my boys play well together. What the hell was I worried about??
The part of this that I haven’t really touched on, the part of it that had me worried but that I didn’t really know I was worrying over, was this: would I feel differently about playing with Ad, after having played pretty heavily with W these past weeks? Would I feel strange, or that Ad was somehow “less than” because play with W has been so mind-blowing, so all-consuming, so much of what I have needed so much, what I had dreamed about doing all those years ago when I started all this crazy shit? Ad has only ever spanked me and fucked me lately…that’s one of the things I love about him, he’ll give me a good spank and fuck if I ask for it, making it all about MY pleasure…what would playing with him in a more “traditional” (HA! I love using that word in this context) setting be like? Would it even work?
There was real danger in this for me, emotional danger, possible danger to our relationship. It could have damaged how I felt about him, how I felt about allowing him to be part of this side of me, and how would I deal with it, if that was the case? What if he liked it and I didn’t? I love him, I could not have hurt him by saying, “you know, you really don’t do it right,” or “it just doesn’t work for me,” if he really enjoyed it. Especially as I am the one that is bringing him to it.
None of that worry was warranted either, though. Instead what I discovered is that I loved playing with him, I love this new dimension to him, and I love our dynamic. What I discovered is that I need this dynamic as much as I need W’s and mine, and that the two complement each other, both when we are all together and when I am with each separately. And that (whoa, how cool is this?) each bleeds into the other just a bit, in bits and pieces, and…it’s all okay. What I discovered is that all the pieces fit. “ It all works.”
I am one lucky bitch.
