Anticipation

So here’s how my life works. I’m all happy to have W back, and already feeling mopey that he’ll be going again so soon, but in between the “he’s home” and “he’s gone again” I’ll be going on my own little adventure–and I’m getting all twittery and excited about it.  Last week I found out that I am heading to Austin, Texas on Monday for a little work training thing that will last until Thursday.  I thought, huh, three days to myself in a strange new city…now what kinda fun can I get up to while I’m there? I hated the idea of just attending the training, eating with the workgroup, going back to the hotel and watching TV or reading til I fall asleep, only to wake up and do it all again.  So…I went looking for my own brand of fun.

Granted, underneath it all, is my desire to titillate, excite, turn-on, please and amuse W.

I’ve met several men from online, a couple of women, and several couples. I can honestly say that I have not had a “bad” experience meeting people from online…no nightmare dates, no stand-ups, no slobbery disgusting pawing nastiness, no one’s threatened me, no one’s been drastically different from what they seemed to be online. I don’t expect it from people when I set up a meeting…I always assume (perhaps naively so) that they are being upfront with me.  I am my authentic self when I interact with people via email, IM and here, why wouldn’t they be? Sometimes I think we reap what we sow…if we expect the worst…that’s what we get.

Or maybe I have just been lucky.

Also, I like people in general.  Even if someone doesn’t “trip my trigger,” I can usually find something interesting about them, at least for the duration of a date.  And sometimes, I’ll put up with one thing not quite “fitting” in order to experience the part that does fit, or that is fun.  It’s all good, as an ex-gf used to say.

That said, meeting new people is always nervous-making. I dread it, truly.  But you know what the number one reason that I dread it is? Because I hate that first moment of not knowing if the person I see walking towards me/my table is the person I have been talking to for the past month.  I have horrible face-recognition.  It is painfully embarrassing to me to have to walk up to someone I don’t know in a strange place: “Hi, are you So-and-So?”  because they really might not be.  Okay, it’s never happened in reality, but it is a recurring dream/nightmare I have when I am stressed…I walk up to someone, put my hand in his, my arms around his waist, only to realize that I have no idea who he is.  He (and everyone around us) turns to look at me and I slink away in humiliation.

That said, I still do it.  I still meet people from online. I still makes dates.  And I actually manage to recognize them, most times.  And…there’s a certain charge to it, to the anxiety–and to the knowledge that I will have something to share with W later.  That’s part of it too.  But–I’ve never gone to a strange city, somewhere entirely unfamiliar, and met someone new with the intent to possibly play.  Okay, truer confession: even for “just drinks,” much less possibly play!  That is, as I may have mentioned before, way outside this girl’s comfort zone. But that is exactly what I am doing, when I go to Austin in a few days.  Well, unless W throws up a red flag, or decides it is not something he wants me to do…that part is still out there.  And I do not know precisely what he will approve of–or require of–me doing with this new potential friend/play partner, if there is chemistry between us.  But I am terribly excited and anxious about the whole thing, and even as I am thrilled to have W back home, I am looking off in the not-so-distant future at what may come.  Anticipating…

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