My relationship with my SO, in regards to BDSM, is not always clearly defined. Oh the roles themselves when we are in that space–he is Top, I am bottom–are always very clear, but within our “real life” relationship we are equals, and it is only when we enter that space that we move, (sometime uneasily, but that is a topic for another post) into those roles. In general, this has also been true of our sexual relationship. We have been equals, with him never demanding, never taking or using my body for his pleasure, but always waiting for permission, which is, more or less, the fate of most men in not-BDSM relationships. They ask a woman’s permission for sex, she grants it or not.
This has changed, subtly, and over time, in the past year. He has come to see me as a sexual submissive, and to know that I consider my body his to use. This has not come about all on its own. It has evolved as my relationship with W has evolved, as I have begun to internalize W’s vision of what it means to be his submissive. As W’s submissive, my body is not my own, but his, and as such, he says that my body is here for his, and others’ use. My body is for his pleasure, my “primary function” as he (teasingly?) calls it is to keep him hard, and using my body to please him and others he chooses is one way I do that.
Sex with my SO is still very equal in that he is always conscious of my pleasure, and always makes sure that I get as much pleasure from it as he does, but he has also come to realize that sometimes, simply being the vessel of his pleasure, simply being used by him to achieve pleasure, is enough for me. And that knowledge, once he fully comprehended it, was enough to set him free. To use my body, even when I appeared unwilling. To push my head down between his legs when I was sleepy and not interested, or, as he did this morning, pushing me down and entering me from behind, slipping in deeply and beginning to move against me before I was even fully awake.
“I’m asleep,” I mumbled, crossly.
“That’s okay,” he said, and continued to move, using my body, my hole, as a living masturbator. And of course I opened to him, my body reacting correctly even as my head drifted in sleep, taking him deeply inside of me, sucking on him, pulling him into me. And even though it was my body he was fucking, it was more like feeling him masturbate when I lay next to him. It was very objectifying in a way, because he truly was simply using my hole for his own pleasure, and I could have actually been asleep. That I wasn’t asleep meant that, although I knew he did not want my active participation, my body could not help responding to his, shifting and pushing in subtle ways designed to bring him ever closer to the brink of orgasm, to please him. My body knows its function, even my mind is half-asleep.
I am well aware that this might not be acceptable in a “normal” relationship. And technically, I do not have a BDSM relationship with Ad, so that blurs the lines. If I was to say, unequivocally, “NO,” would he stop? I think so. I am fairly certain he would, because we don’t truly have a BDSM contract between us. The “contract” (I am not using the term as in a physical document, but as in the emotional/mental contract that my submission to him confers) is with W. But because that contract states that I am a collection of holes to be used as those he chooses see fit, and Ad certainly is one of those he chooses, then that contract, does, extend to Ad in this regard. And so I seldom say no, or even desire to. I know that if W knew at that moment that I was being used, that I was serving that function and that I was doing it, even if I didn’t want to, to please him, it would make him happy. And probably make him hard. And I would be serving my primary function.
This is an unexpected result of my submission to W. In the past I have kept my D/s relationships separate from my relationship with Ad. By this I mean that I have not allowed past dominants, no matter how deeply in submission I was with them, to influence my relationship with Ad, to interfere with it in any way, or for play to impinge on my relationship with him. But this shift has occurred slowly, subtly, and organically, growing out of the shift in how I see myself, as my vision of myself more closely (and deeply) reflects that of W’s vision of me. As I internalize what I am to him. And because the side effect is a benefit to Ad, I see no reason to disallow it.
W said recently that many vanilla folk might see what it is we do as brainwashing. And I do agree with that in a way. As a submissive we consciously or unconsciously change to suit our Masters, because to submit is to desire to please another, and to please that other we must become what it is that is most pleasing to them. Hopefully, what is most pleasing to him or her already is what you are, and so it is not so much changing as bringing it into focus, but that isn’t always the case (and those instances are, I think, most likely to fail.) And so, as W’s vision of what my function is, as I internalize, almost without volition, that vision, and it becomes part of how I see myself and informs how I act/react, then yes, maybe that is being brainwashed just a bit.
And I’m okay with that. I think maybe Ad is too.