So I am filled with anticipation about tomorrow night. I know I shouldn’t be, because like as not, my expectations will be too high, and the result will not meet them, and then, no matter how wonderful the night is, there will always be that little shadow hanging over it. I’m not perfect. (I know, hard to believe.) I get my hopes up and then feel deflated when they aren’t met. Which is SO damned unfair to those others involved.
It’s just that…well. I’ve been here before, in this moment. Expecting (yes, I will admit) a lot from A. I have given him the tools, I think; I have shown him the way; he knows what I want/need…please please please won’t he give it to me?
But how fucking unfair of me is that to even think that?? To have those expectations? Because there is more than just me and my head and my needs and my wants. And I know he doesn’t always ken those needs, doesn’t necessarily want to go there, doesn’t feel comfortable in that role that I want to place him in. He is comfortable in a certain role. He is comfortable to a degree in what we do, and that part is good and I love it. But, when I am feeling like I am right this minute…this full-on raging need for subjugation, to be taken to the edge, to be used, to be ruled over and dominated…well. He can’t do that. He doesn’t do that. He doesn’t even want to do that.
And I get that. And respect it, and his limits, and what he wants/gets out of this, and where he is comfortable going. I don’t push him beyond there because I do respect it, and I also recognize that honestly, I don’t know if I would be comfortable with it/him if he did go there. That, after all, is why I sought out someone else to take me there, back in the beginning. So, tomorrow will be a different kind of play than that. It’ll be me saying, “Okay, let’s do this and that.” Me instigating or suggesting or even directing. And I will get the sensations, and yes, those sensations are great and I will love it and yes I am grateful for it.
But, damn it, I want my head engaged too. I want to feel all that other stuff. I want to be submerged in it. It’s been awhile. I need it.
That is the one thing I wish would work better in this A-me-W thing. I wish W would feel comfortable taking me to those places when A is there. But he doesn’t, which is understandable. A is my primary partner, and W is very careful not to tread on areas that might push him, not to push boundaries or to step over these unwritten lines by taking things into an area that A might not be comfortable. And that is all good, and as it should be. But in my perfect world? There would be this synchronicity when we play together, much like there is when we are all broken up into our “twos.” It would work and flow as easily then as it does in every other respect, just as it does when we are simply friends hanging out. Sometimes I want W to push that boundary. What if A would enjoy seeing the things W does to me…if maybe he would enjoy seeing the things he can’t/doesn’t want to do, because he can’t/doesn’t want to do them himself? But of course that is a dangerous place to tread, and why W is (rightfully) cautious. W is a smart guy that way.
I, on the other hand, am a selfish bitch. I want what I want. (And of course I want it all.)
So…I anticipate. And I let my hopes build, when what I need to be doing is to just to be enjoying the prospect of time with my two guys, talking, laughing, playing a little, trying out the new toys. It will be fun.
But I think I need to ask for some W time too in the near future.