I am sipping a pina colada and watching a storm come in over Banderas Bay. Yes, I am posting about kink even though I am having none here in Puerto Vallarta. It’s cruel to do this to myself, like waving a bag of heroin in front of a junkie. I miss it, I long for it, I ache for it. And I will get none for days and days.
Even when I don’t get to see W for days, even when we have days of vanilla dates, we usually have D/s interactions that serve as little mini “fixes,” keeping me centered, keeping me grounded, keeping me in that submissive space that I want. That I need. Because yeah, fuck, it’s a mother-fucking need.
I want to be his, I want to be bound by his words and his rope and his lust and his need to hurt me. This separation is so much sharper than just being separated by distance. It’s like…losing a piece of myself. That piece of myself that responds to his dominance, that he draws out of me like no one else does or can.
I feel lost.
So this is the part of missing W that is so different from missing Ad. This is the added element that makes it harder to bear, that makes me feel like an amputee, missing part of myself as much as missing him. Because I am not a submissive without him. I am a bottom, sure, and enjoy playing with others (although for fuck’s sake, I am not even that right now, little attention-whore-without-anyone-to-feed-my-need-for-attention that I am) but without him, there is no submission. There is no one to submit to, no one that calls that out of me, that demands it just by being him, and I don’t know what to do with myself.
I worry that being apart so completely, not having that interaction, will weaken that bond between us. Since we don’t share any of the rituals, any of the protocol, that so many others in our lifestyle do, how will we maintain that connection? Sure I can know it in my head, but is that enough? I need to know it, I need to feel it, and it just seems so far away right now.
With Ad, what we share is this daily life, this partnership. We chat and email and renew our connection that way, because we have a life together. But I don’t have that with W. Everything I have with him is intertwined with D/s, with feeling these other bonds that we share, and when they aren’t there, when they aren’t in effect, binding me, I just feel…unmoored. Everything I feel is so encompassed by what we do, that in the absence of that, of being able to do anything, I lose focus. I lose that feeling of being owned, of being his.
Yeah yeah yeah, I’m supposed to know it, not need “reinforcement,” blah blah blah. But that’s a pile of horseshit. I do need reinforcement. Without it, I am just another bottom, and I can get that satisfaction anywhere, and have done so. A Top is a Top. What I need is to feel our connection.
Fuck I miss him.
And I hate missing him. I hate needing him so much. I want to be the independent bottom that he wants me to be, but…I just can’t. I’m just not. I think about how he has told me that his other partner feels “owned” by him, even though they only speak once a week or so and only see each other, well, hell, this June will be the first time in a year or so, and I know that is what he wishes I could be like–but I’m not. I didn’t mean to become this, I didn’t intend to become this, but I am.
Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t.
But then I think about everything that I am, everything that being with him, that allowing myself to be this with him, has brought to me, and I know I wouldn’t want it any other way. I don’t want to be different than I am. I don’t want to need him less than I do.
But we need to find a way to get that need met while he isn’t near.