Cripple

Sometimes I believe I am an emotional cripple.

I can’t function when he’s not here; or at least not well.

I pine for him.  Like seriously, old-timey-style pining, where I feel like the ache inside of me is so huge I can’t swallow around it, can’t catch my breath, want nothing more than to curl into a fetal ball and hold onto myself. As though rolling up tight will keep me together.

It doesn’t.

I long for him. Truly, deeply long for him. My heart lifts for the few moments it takes me to read his emails, then plummets again when I reply and don’t hear back.  Half a dozen times a day I want to beg him to just log into chat, please, so I can feel some connection to him. But when we do, it’s not enough.

I wonder what he’s doing, every minute, so that it feels like my brain is so crowded with thoughts of him that there isn’t room for anything else. I make myself busy…but I am only doing that: “making myself busy.” I can’t focus on anything else, not for real.

I just don’t work without him near.  I’m no good at long distance.  At least not with him.

When did I become so dependent on him; when did I start to need him so?

And what will become of me if he ever does, simply–GO?

2 Comments

  1. Phoenix says:

    You are not alone!

  2. NanA says:

    When N was away, I used to call it the “great sucking chest wound” because it felt just like that. It’s Love and I hope you live through it.

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