Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
It’s funny that this question has come up just now. I don’t really find much difficult about it. I love being kinky, kinky sex is good, kink makes me hot…but I can have an orgasm without it, if I have to. So it’s not like it stops me from being sexual or enjoying sex if I don’t have it (although it certainly enhances everything.)
When it does present a problem is when the person that I associate with kink, that is the key to kink for me, isn’t around. Although I can enjoy a good spanking, or a scene with Ad or with another Top, to go really deep–which is where I get the most out of it–I need W. It’s just that simple. Three years of being immersed in what it is that he–and no one else–can do to me, and…I just can’t conceive of anyone else taking me there. I can’t wrap my mind around it, and frankly, I don’t want to. He’s the one I want to do this with.
He tells me that I can scene with other Tops, and for play purposes, or to experience activities that he doesn’t enjoy, or that he might want me to experience, I do. I like playing with others in a strictly bottoming situation. And if he is in control of the situation, if he is directing it, then it’s even better.
Where the difficulty comes in is with the D/s. He’s encouraged me to explore a relationship in which D/s (something he doesn’t actively do) is a large part, because he knows I enjoy it. But it just doesn’t work for me (at least mentally–I haven’t actually tried it.) I just don’t think I could do that with someone else; I don’t think I could give myself to someone else that way–because I’ve already given myself to W. D/s isn’t play to me. D/s is a dynamic, and, even if he doesn’t actively recognize that dynamic in our relationship, I do. I am his submissive. I can’t be anyone else’s. Ideally he’d Dominate me (big D), but even if he doesn’t, even if I can’t have D/s, I’d rather have that need met some other way within the context of what we do have than to try to find it elsewhere. And I do get that need satisfied when he’s here. I get enough of his domination (little “d”) to satisfy my need for the big D. It’s just when he isn’t around to give that to me that it gets difficult.