I had this rather longish post that I was working on, talking about the learning process I am going through, as I discover and assess what I need to be comfortable in what we are doing. And I realized…I just probably won’t ever really get there: comfort. Ease. There isn’t going to be some moment when I suddenly go, “Hey! Cool, it’s all fun, I feel great about it!”
It sucks to be me.
I am more comfortable now than I was. I have been able to put this in a compartment inside my head, and I will be able to deal with it. I know that this doesn’t change anything about W and I, it doesn’t mean anything about his and my relationship, who were are to each other, what we do with each other. I’ve got my head around it.
But…it still makes me unhappy and uncomfortable. So obviously I haven’t got my heart around it.
But oh well…unhappiness and discomfort are only temporary emotions. I’ll be happy again, and comfortable again. And being unhappy and uncomfortable about one aspect of this doesn’t mean I am the big “Unhappy.” Just…right now…it sucks.
I’d like to write more, but just don’t have the energy. W and I had a really good discussion the other night. It wasn’t an easy discussion, but it was an important one, and if for no other reason than that this event precipitated and caused that discussion, I am glad that it’s happening. But as I said, I don’t have the energy to write much now.
W has his first meet with her tonight. I have no idea if they are planning to play after or schedule their play date for another night or more than one night. One thing I did decide I needed was not to be there. Not for any of it. The three of them (W, her, her Owner) seem comfortable enough without me involved, and I just couldn’t deal with the thought of being a third wheel. That would be too close to being invisible and ignored, and I have my issues with that. So, tonight I have a massage and when I get home I’ll work on a bead project and maybe plant one of my flower boxes.
One thing that didn’t happen that I really needed before he sees her this week was that I wanted an intense play session with him. I needed to connect with him on that level, I needed him to play with me like he will with her. And even more than the actual playing, I needed to know that he wanted to play with me like that. He told me he did, but, well, I needed to feel it to know it.
It didn’t happen. But look! I’m surviving. ~shrug~
I am going to be fine, I am managing my emotions, and we are both growing lots in all this. So – end result will be a positive one. But for now, I just wish I could sleep through the next three or four days.