I’m up at 5 a.m. because I realized, late late last night, that I haven’t written or posted anything since…Sunday? I’d say I’m just crazy busy (and I am!) but it’s not entirely that. I had time last night when I could have sat myself down and written something. And I have a lot of somethings to write about! But I get distracted, or veg in front of the TV wih Adam instead (that happened last night.) And no writing gets done.
That’s lack of self-discipline.
I have spent the last three weekends with K. Adam has been a part of that time off and on too, dinners and hanging out, but a lot of that time K and I have been pretty focused on each other. Which is good and normal, especially in a newly-minted relationship, but which can lead to some pretty intense NRE and even some droppy feelings when we aren’t together. I wrestled with that last week even as I looked forward to our weekend away, and now I am dealing with it as I resume my (normal for now) life of needing to do things to help out my parents, and he does his normal social stuff. I don’t actually want to spend every minute of every day/night with him (okay there is part of my brain that says, “yes! every minute!” but that’s a result of the chemical soup my brain is simmering in – lol.) But I definitely have a healthy dose of FOMO, especially when he spends time with mutual acquaintances who have maybe not yet seen us as a “couple.” Now that we have acknowledged that – couplehood, and a formal D/s dynamic – to ourselves/each other, I want others to know too. I’m sure most of that can be attributed to some weird leftover biological/societal programming, and I need to resist it, but… *shrug*. It is what it is.
All this is mostly by way of musing…figuring out the why’s of my head. Yeah, navel-gazing, more-or-less. But it’s what I do. I think he might have said, “Don’t overthink things,” at some point this last weekend. And I just cocked my head and thought (or maybe said) “Do you know me?” lol This is the woman that has taken the art of thinking out loud, of at-times overthinking out loud, to the nth degree, having been doing so here and in my various other internet spaces fairly faithfully for over 20 years. Hah.
But seriously. It’s all really really good. Being “out” with his friends will come. Being together at social functions will come too, though I will have to make myself not throw myself into all the activities he takes part in, as he is far more social than I am. I need to set boundaries for myself and honor my need for space away from other hoomans to recharge. Otherwise I will burn out eventually. And don’t no one want a burnt-out Jade.
On the flip side of that, however, is the reality of coming out of the past two years, and finding a need to be more social, to reestablish friendships and more-ships, to make up for lost time. I really took to hermitting pretty hard, and for awhile I thought that would be the way it would always be from now on, but the recent forays I have made into being a social creature again – hiking, bowling, game nights and play parties, going out and about in the world again – have been really positive, and not left me drained and feeling depleted.
I think balance is the key. Now I just have to figure out where that balance is, what it looks like in a post-pandemic world for me.
Gah. Here I have blathered on and on without sharing any of the fun juicy stuff, even though (judging by the title of the post) that was what I had intended to write about originally! Apparently my head had other words to get out first. I’m going to wrap up here for now, and maybe try to get to the fun stuff the rest of this week. 😉
