One
of the things I rediscovered was my ability to be adaptable, to be flexible, to bend and move and adjust. It was serious discovery, an important one; it permeates all the corners of my life. I have tried to bring it back with me, to let it seep back into my bones.
I used to bend and twist and contort my body (lovingly or sometimes not so lovingly) into various shapes in yoga, in bondage, in sex. I used to ask my body to lean into the discomfort of running, or to open my mind and heart to different ways of being. But those things are not always available to me anymore. And so I have become inflexible in body and in mind.
This trip – and in particular these few days – reminded me that I can be flexible, that I am capable. In the face of adversity I maintained my composure and found solutions. I know this sounds rudimentary; that at my age I certainly must know and appreciate these things about myself, but I had lost that knowledge somewhere along the way, starting with W’s death and rolling right into my disastrous relationship with Viper. It’s taken me this long to recognize the damage that did to me – when I was at my most shattered, my most vulnerable, I fell into a relationship that exacerbated the worst in me and savaged the best. Every shape I tried to twist myself into for him but couldn’t get right, every box I tried to shove myself inside and failed, hardened the shell around me until I became someone I didn’t know anymore, the real me curled into a ball inside, protecting the vulnerable heart that struggled to stay soft and open.
I wasn’t enough, I would never be enough.
This trip was the beginning of a break in that shell. There were some challenges. Wind, rain, flooding, not enough solar (and not enough understanding of those systems), a leaking pump, being fairly inept at Zelda (~smirk~). So I moved out of the flood, hung the towels to dry, bundled up to work outside when the sun did peek out of the clouds, chatted to my guys, used battery lights, and jury-rigged the pump. I put Zelda away for activities I was good at. LOL
I was enough.
And I took the electric bike out. There were also challenges and learning curves there, but I got to see the waves and the sand and the marsh and have a good meal on the bay. I even caught some new Pokies! And I came home to the smell of an amazing dinner cooking in my little crock pot. All was right in my world.
And then, once I had overcome the challenges I faced there, I made a decision: to make my world better by going somewhere else. Somewhere warm, without the rain and the wind. Still by the water (Perdido Bay) but a little more pleasant, climate-wise.
To be continued…
