February

Happy February all, from a hazy afternoon here in the Midwest! Hard to believe it’s February already.

February has always been my least favorite month. Still winter, but not the new, fresh, holding-your-breath-for-snow winter. No, it’s the dragging-on, when-will-spring-be-here kind of winter. The world is ugly and brown. Hiking is usually a chore rather than a pleasure, the outdoors hold no allure for me, and the short days no longer feel cozy, snug and warm, just dark and dreary.

February is the month of that made-up holiday, Valentine’s Day, which often presents challenges to single and poly people alike – no matter how happily single or poly (or single poly) one is – as it celebrates couplehood, lifting it up into exalted status. It has presented challenges to me in my recent and distant past, manufacturing situations that led to bad feelings, even as I knew that one date on the calendar meant nothing more than any other. And yet, I am human, and swayed by the juggernaut that is modern media and that convinces me that being recognized on that particular day means more than a year’s worth (or several years’ worth) of loving recognition.

I spent one February in California waiting for my grandmother to die, watching as she deteriorated and holding space (and the world together) for my own mother while she struggled to come to terms with all that losing a mother meant.

Warren fell ill in a February, and while I was away house sitting, suffered the massive stroke that was the beginning of the end of his life. I spent that February at his bedside in the hospital, praying for him to wake up. When he did – unable to speak, swallow or move – his family disappeared him, taking him away to die, leaving me to grieve a loss I could barely comprehend and that I didn’t even know about until I read his obituary.

So yeah, February has always been a rough one for me.

On the other hand, February is the month that Molly, from Molly’s Daily Kiss, hosts February Photofest. And February was the month that the guys made up a game to play on that other made-up holiday, the Superbowl. February is the month my oldest son was born as well. And this year it is the February that I started to draw and sketch again, something I had always loved to do, but that fear – fear of failure, of not being good enough, of being laughed at for my lack of “skill” – had kept me from doing for twenty years. I’m in a really good place this February. Maybe I can take it back from the demons that held it before.

In that spirit, I am going to join February Photofest again this year, both to celebrate Molly’s perseverance (it’s ten years strong!) and my own – I’ve been at this for a few years myself. I’m a bit late hopping in, but I’m not going to beat myself up. Self-compassion is where it’s at.

This year’s theme here in Jade’s world is the Scavenger Hunt – another titan of the sex blogging world, run by the indomitable Bee, who took it over after me and has made it their own. I have a few of these done and not yet shared, but I may also discover that I’ll have to go get a few to finish out the month. And that would be just fine. Overcome the bitter with a little sweet, eh?

First up, a blast from the past with Adam.

Bus Stop
It was our last night in Hawaii, in Honolulu, actually, and we were walking home from dinner. I’m not sure, now, if we had even had another Scavenger Hunt opportunity while we were there – wait, wait, we did, Lighthouse. Okay, so this wasn’t a last-ditch effort, it just happened that it was just too good an opportunity to pass up. I remember trying to get bus stop a couple of times way back when – nearly impossible! This felt like a true achievement. LOL

Let the games begin!