30 Days of Kink – Day 24: Qualities

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

When I seek out a play partner now, it usually has to do with some specific type of play that I am interested in, so I am not actually looking for specific qualities in that person the way I might if I was seeking a new partner. I don’t know if I have the time, energy or desire to seek out a new partner in that way. Usually what I am looking for now is some type of play that I am curious about or want to experience, and even that phrase, “looking for” is basically incorrect, as I don’t necessarily seek out new play partners, I just run across someone that does a certain thing and I decide I would like to play with them based on that, not the other way around.

But okay, what qualities would I look for, if I were to seek a new partner. Self-respect. Honesty. Self-control. Self-confidence. Intelligence. Someone with a healthy dose of curiosity in the world around him/her. An ability – and willingness – to feel, passionately, deeply. Someone that communicates well. Someone with interests outside my own.  Someone with the ability to laugh at themselves. Someone who isn’t afraid of love or to love.  Someone with an interest in BDSM (yes this is a necessity. No more vanillas for me.) Someone with a strong sex drive, but who isn’t driven by sex. Someone who isn’t afraid to take chances, but who accepts that sometimes things just don’t work. An adult, not a child. Someone that takes responsibility for their own actions.

Not really much different than I look for in my friends, now that I think of it.

30 days of Kink – Day 23: Changes in Perspectives or Interests

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

As most of us do, I have some very specific interests and triggers in the world of kink. And as has happened to most of us, those interests and triggers have changed over time.  They have expanded, contracted, morphed and blossomed. Oftentimes they have changed dependent upon my play partner’s interests. I don’t apologize for allowing my partner’s kinks to influence mine – for me, it’s part and parcel of being a submissive. Yeah, I’ll say it, I’ve changed to suit my Top. My interests have changed to reflect his. And I don’t consider it a bad thing.

This dynamic – this accepting of and internalizing my partner’s kinks inasmuch as they relate to and enhance my own – is never clearer than in the example of W’s control of my sex.

I have written many times about the games we play and the control he has over my sex life. He tells me who to fuck and when, and I do. He wanted me gangbanged, and I was. He likes to watch me get fucked, whether I want to be or not, so I fuck who he tells me to. It’s incredibly hot to me, because it is the ultimate expression of his control over me – because I truly don’t want to do those things.

I know that seems hard to believe. And it’s not that I don’t like sex (a lot!) or want to have sex with strange or other men. I do, and even seek out other partners on my own occasionally. But those situations are usually about BDSM, not about sex. Sex is a part of it, because BDSM is inherently sexual for me, but I don’t (usually) seek out partners just for sex. And even if/when I do, I do it because I know it will turn W on. That is ALWAYS there, and that is what makes it hot for me. (Seeking out a BDSM play partner is much more about what *I* want than seeking out a sex partner. Sex (with other men) is always *always* about W.) And that is because he has made it so.

Rape play is another example of that. I can see now that I have always gotten off on “coerced” sex, but never to the degree (or with the understanding of that kink) as I have now.  So yes, my perspective on sex has changed, and his fantasies have influenced my own, and influenced my own sexuality to the point that I no longer know where his end and my own begin. And I’m okay with that.

Regardless of the details of how that works, though, of the mechanics, the heart of what I want and need in kink hasn’t changed. It’s always been about control, about being controlled. How that is manifested may change. I may be in a strict D/s relationship in which my daily life is controlled; I may be in a looser relationship in which control is exerted in very specific situations; the way we play and the types of play may change, say with or without rope, with or without mental domination, with different tools and different play styles, but the core of my interest in kink hasn’t ever really wavered from the need and desire to be controlled.

30 Days of Kink – Day 22: Healthy Relationships

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

I struggled with this one a bit, because I really am of two minds here. On the one hand, I want to say, “BDSM relationships are special, and different, therefore they need certain things in particular to keep them viable.”  But the reality is, all relationships need honesty, communication, compassion, trust, respect, passion, compatible values and goals…these are all things that I feel every relationship needs to stay healthy and viable, regardless of your orientation.

It’s possible that there are certain traits or qualities that a person has to have to be able to have a healthy BDSM relationship though.  As W and were discussing only last night, people in BDSM relationships, or planning to experiment with BDSM, also need to have a healthy dose of common sense, be self-confident and have a (generally) positive self-image – or at least a willingness to be honest with themselves about their strengths and weaknesses. I know that there are plenty of people with only some none of these traits who are playing at or living in a BDSM relationship, but I would contend that not having these qualities is a BIG obstacle to finding and maintaining a healthy relationship, specifically because the relationship itself is so (deliberately and consensually) unequal by definition.  To not have that inner strength places you at a disadvantage from the outset, and places you in the position of having to overcome obstacles right from the start, in a relationship that already has complexities of dynamics that other relationships may not.  So those are things that I could argue are things that are particular to maintaining healthy BDSM relationships.

But truly, if we look at any of the things that I listed, aren’t they all necessary to healthy interpersonal relationships? I do think that without them, eventually a BDSM relationship will fail, and those “trainwrecks” that we so often see, those people that we see having failed, disastrous relationship after failed, disastrous relationship probably are missing one or more of them, and possibly not even realizing that the source – and the power to change it – is within themselves. Conversely, I think that it is far easier to maintain a non-BDSM relationship without one or more of these qualities, because the potential for having a “surface” relationship that doesn’t delve very deeply into the parties involved is greater. NOT a given, by any means, and this is not particular to only vanilla relationships, just that it seems to me that, given any length of time, eventually a BDSM relationship takes its participants pretty deep, and in a vanilla one, it can be easier to maintain a shallower level of communication, to hide one’s true feelings or to survive with less communication. So to go in without those qualities in a BDSM relationship is a sure recipe for disaster, whereas in a vanilla one, you might*be able to maintain it, and possibly even happily so.

30 Days of Kink – Day 21: Literary Influences

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction.)

I actually misread this when I started writing it (my bad for not putting the question at the top of the post immediately.)  So I answered this as if the question was what BDSM-related book has most influenced me. It took too long to write the first time, so sorry about that, but my answer is going to have to stay. I will answer the initial question briefly though. I don’t read a lot of kink, except blogs, but the one series that stands out in my mind is the Kushiel series.  Smart, literary, complex and with the kink as an integral part of the world, not just added “spice.” If you haven’t read them, go and do so. You’ll be happy you did. Anyway, on to my initial (wrong) answer…

I read my first kink book at a very young age. I think I was 13 or 14 when I found my older sister’s sex book stash, which included The Hite Report and one of the Sleeping Beauty books written by Anne Rice, writing then as Anne Roquelaure. I think it was the first book, The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty.  The Hite Report was actually probably more important, because I learned to masturbate by reading it, but the Beauty book was the first time I had run across a story with (fictionalized) BDSM in it. I didn’t know what BDSM was at the time, and of course I couldn’t know exactly HOW incorrectly it portrayed what the body is physically capable of, but that didn’t matter.  It made me hot as hell (and worried because it did, since I had no idea why, and I was fairly certain that getting turned on by it was a BAD THING and made me a FREAK OF NATURE.)

That didn’t make me stop reading though.

But even so, it wasn’t actually the book that had the greatest impact on my sexuality.  That would belong to a mainstream, historical romance.  What we term a “bodice ripper.”  The first time I encountered love, sex and passion that made me hot, made me wriggle, made me uncomfortable, was in an historical romance called Sweet Savage Love by Rosemary Rogers. I had read many romance books up to that point (I think I was about 12. I was a young and voracious reader.) But this wasn’t mainstream, vanilla sex. This was rape and plunder and kidnapping; dashing heroes and damsels in distress, heaving busoms and yes, ripped bodices – violent sex at its very best, very scariest, most non-consensual and its very hottest. And I LOVED it. I wanted sex just like that: violent and lusty and a little bit scary, with a hero that controls and dominates and OWNS me, that compels my submission and my passion.

I know (and heard and read) what the feminists of the time said about allowing young women to read such “trash.” That reading it was causing us to desire sex and love that was unhealthy.  In looking back I am convinced that this was just not so. I read DOZENS of sweet, gentle romances, with lovers that were passionate but respectful, where the lines between sex and violence were never blurred, in which lovemaking was just that: making sweet love to each other.

And they just didn’t do it for me.  It wasn’t that reading the likes of Kathleen Woodiwiss and Rosemary Rogers made me look for violent sex in my reading and made me crave that in real life, it was that I was already wired that way and I just found someone else that “got” it when I found their books. Of course then I didn’t know all that.  It is only now that I can look back and see that those books/the kind of sex that was depicted in them wasn’t really an “influence”…reading them was more a homecoming and a revelation: a peek into what makes me, me.

30 Days of Kink – Day 20: Curiosity

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

I can’t write this from the “What I don’t understand,” perspective. I just don’t think that way. If it’s not something I enjoy/want to do or don’t get, but others do… ~shrug~  Who cares if I don’t get why it works for them? Why do rubber fetishists or foot fetishists or adult babies get off on what they do? Who cares why they do? If it’s enough for them that they do, ten more power to them.

The first part of the question, though, “what am I curious about” is a great one! There are many, many things I have yet to experience (see my Kinky Bucket List!) and that I am interested in/curious about:  Erotic hypnosis. Pussy pumping. Anal fisting. Gloryholes. Long-term bondage/confinement. Electricity. Urethral play.  The list goes on.

Right now I am very curious, and looking into, erotic hypnosis. It just so happens that there is a person that teaches it on the cruise, and will be giving a class. I have had to practically twist W’s arm to agree to go, but he has agreed to do so, so we shall see what fun comes of it! Maybe we can use it during the cruise to make me act like a wanton slut at one of the bars on the ship.

More wanton. More of a slut. Hah.  Since I actually don’t act that way around strangers for real, it actually would be a fun experiment. But I’d really like to explore mind control/body control with it.

So there is one thing, and something that I will be able to tell you all about when I get back. :-)

30 Days of Kink – Day 19: Unexpected Improvements

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

I can’t say that it was particularly unexpected…I mean the desire for hot sex was why I got interested in BDSM in the first place, but I think I was surprised at how much I enjoyed sex after discovering kink. I always enjoyed sex for the emotional fulfillment I got in doing it. It brought me closer to my lover/husband, it made me feel good because I knew that he was getting pleasure from it, but on a purely physical level, I wasn’t getting much out of it. The same ole (vanilla) bump ‘n’ grind every Saturday night just didn’t do it for me. But when I discovered kink and my own submissive nature and accepted that I found pleasure in rough sex and S/M activities, it was like a lightbulb going off.  A really BIG, bright lightbulb – say, the size of the sun or so – and suddenly I couldn’t get enough of it. I was horny all the time.  It was quite the revelation: that I actually enjoyed sex, for me, for myself, and could actually orgasm – a lot, and frequently! Yippee skippee!!

There were other revelations though, too. Learning to accept my desires led to a lot of introspection about what those desires were, and what I wanted, not only out of my sex life, but out of life in general. It also caused me to look back on my past and evaluate some of the relationship choices I’d made – and, in at least one case, to forgive myself for some of the bad choices I’d made.  I learned to be a better communicator, to be more honest with myself and my lover(s), and to take responsibility for my own pleasure and for creating a life that met my needs and desires. It made me love my body in a way I never had, and to respect it for capabilities I never knew I had. I came to find that it isn’t only the pretty, perfect women with perfect breasts that can be sexy and desirable and hot, and that I have a lot to offer physically as well as emotionally and intellectually.  None of these were (are) things that I had ever thought would come about just from getting into kinky sex.

30 Days of Kink – Day 18: Pet Peeves

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

I’m not a very peevish person. I don’t let the little things bug me, for the most part, and live by the philosophy that if I can’t change it, let it be, which pet peeves seem to be in the category of. So it was actually hard for me to come up with something specific for this.

I guess the thing that bugs me more than anything is the idea that some people have that just because we practice BDSM, we are supposed to be “better” than those who don’t, in terms of our openness, acceptance of others, being non-judgmental.  Because folks, we aren’t. We are just individuals, with all the failings, quirks, foibles and flaws that the rest of mankind have. And that includes being judgmental, unaccepting, self-righteous and narrow-minded.

And on the heels of that pet peeve? That we aren’t better than that. Because I happen to think, because we are who we are, because we face prejudice, persecution and self-righteous pricks that think they should tell us how to live and love, that we should be better than that. But that, as W would say, is Jade’s world. A better place. But, unfortunately, not reality.

30 Days of Kink – Day 17: Misconceptions

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

You know, I don’t have a need to “clear up” other people’s misconceptions about kink. To put it baldly, I couldn’t care less what they think or feel about it.

Unless they interfere with my right to express my sexuality thru kink. Then I get a bit militant.

So the misconception I’d like to clear up? That my sex life is any of their business.

30 Days of Kink – Day 16: When Kink Makes It Difficult

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

It’s funny that this question has come up just now. I don’t really find much difficult about it. I love being kinky, kinky sex is good, kink makes me hot…but I can have an orgasm without it, if I have to. So it’s not like it stops me from being sexual or enjoying sex if I don’t have it (although it certainly enhances everything.)

When it does present a problem is when the person that I associate with kink, that is the key to kink for me, isn’t around. Although I can enjoy a good spanking, or a scene with Ad or with another Top, to go really deep–which is where I get the most out of it–I need W. It’s just that simple. Three years of being immersed in what it is that he–and no one else–can do to me, and…I just can’t conceive of anyone else taking me there. I can’t wrap my mind around it, and frankly, I don’t want to. He’s the one I want to do this with.

He tells me that I can scene with other Tops, and for play purposes, or to experience activities that he doesn’t enjoy, or that he might want me to experience, I do.  I like playing with others in a strictly bottoming situation. And if he is in control of the situation, if he is directing it, then it’s even better.

Where the difficulty comes in is with the D/s.  He’s encouraged me to explore a relationship in which D/s (something he doesn’t actively do) is a large part, because he knows I enjoy it.  But it just doesn’t work for me (at least mentally–I haven’t actually tried it.) I just don’t think I could do that with someone else; I don’t think I could give myself to someone else that way–because I’ve already given myself to W.  D/s isn’t play to me. D/s is a dynamic, and, even if he doesn’t actively recognize that dynamic in our relationship, I do.  I am his submissive. I can’t be anyone else’s.  Ideally he’d Dominate me (big D), but even if he doesn’t, even if I can’t have D/s, I’d rather have that need met some other way within the context of what we do have than to try to find it elsewhere. And I do get that need satisfied when he’s here. I get enough of his domination (little “d”) to satisfy my need for the big D.  It’s just when he isn’t around to give that to me that it gets difficult.

30 Days of Kink – Day 15: Something(s) I’d Like to Try

Damn, it’s been awhile since I updated this meme. I think I actually forgot that I hadn’t finished it. LOL  But now, while I’m not actually doing anything kinky, seems to be a good time to think about it. At least I have my imagination, right? (Or maybe it’s the wrong time to be thinking about kink, it just depresses me to think and dream and want and need and plot and scheme and get myself all worked up for nothing.) :-(  Anyway.  We’ll go with the first option, and I’ll let myself dream in my head, at least.

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

There’s not many things that I want to do that don’t, eventually, happen. I’ve learned to ask for things and I’ve learned to plan things, if I want them bad enough. But there are a few things that haven’t yet happened and that I dream/fantasize about.

This is also an interesting exercise because at one point W had talked about creating a sexual/BDSM “bucket-list” for me.  I don’t know if he ever started it, but whether or not he did, I wonder if any of the things I’ve listed below would be on his?

Of course, some of those are (and should remain) “just” fantasies. ;-)  But a few of them, well…they might be do-able. And maybe even be as hot as they are in my head when they happen.

  1. Being hooked up to a milking machine
  2. A forced gangbang
  3. A blindfolded gangbang (not sure this would be termed gangbang, but the scene is this: being tied by the neck in a room, blindfolded, on a mattress on the floor, while men (and women?) come in one by one and use my mouth and cunt and ass. I never know who they are.)
  4. A multi-person bukakke/pissed-on scene (I actually have this one pretty well plotted out as well: I am staked out and beaten up, with whips and by hand, while a group of men watch, until I am a sobbing mess.  At that point I am taken down, thrown on the ground, and left there while they jerk off and piss on me.)
  5. Being the mouth in a gloryhole
  6. Being fucked with electricity (I saw this being done and it has intrigued me ever since)
  7. A more brutal electricity scene (cattle prod-type)
  8. Being pushed to use a safeword
  9. Anal fisting
  10. Being made to cry during a scene
  11. Getting fisted in a public scene
  12. Being peed in
  13. Being used as a collection of holes for use over a weekend (this usually involves more than one man in my fantasy, but not always): never spoken to as “me” the whole time, simply being used and put away (in some kind of cage or bondage or confinement in a room) and brought out to be abused physically and sexually, then put away again, my food and water being left in a bowl, only allowed to piss and shit and eat when/where allowed. Being treated as merely a “thing” for their use and ignored otherwise.
  14. A “D/s” weekend, much like the above, but without the brutality of the above, more about rules, such as not being allowed on furniture, or allowed to walk unless told to, to maintain a certain demeanor, being made to serve in every way, to address the “Other” in a certain way, being made to wear certain clothes and eat certain foods, having everything controlled.  Being made to wear a buttplug or other paraphernalia (and insert and remove them on demand), being made to expose and fuck myself at command, to use objects on myself and to pleasure the Top in every way he demands, but also to serve him (prepare meals, drinks, wash & massage him, serve all his needs, both sexually and in more mundane ways.)  To be taken out in public with these rules/strictures in place (mitigated/revised as needed for the “real world,” such as having food, drink & clothing chosen for me.)
  15. Having W piss in my mouth while someone else fucks me from behind
  16. Anal training: being made to wear a plug daily for longer and longer periods of time, having my ass used and stretched daily with both a cock and toys
  17. Having an inflatable butt-plug used on me
  18. Being fucked with very large objects
  19. Having some kind of “scene-space” ritual between W and I (and to have that ritual ignored at times when he just grabs me, drags me somewhere and attacks/abuses me)
  20. Having a daily “maintenance” spanking (or some other kind of BDSM activity), either every morning or every night (or both!)

Apparently not having any kink gives me LOTS of time to work on fantasies!  And I am sure there are more (in fact I can think of one very not-PC fantasy in particular that I won’t share here) but I’ll leave it at a nice round twenty. ;-)

It’s interesting to me that most of these things do not involve typical “kink” activities, such as specific toy use (except the electricity stuff.)  But I guess that makes sense, since any toy that I can think of, I have, he has, or we could obtain to try, and he (or someone) has used most of them on me at one time or another, and most of the “new” things are things that he invents or makes himself, so I can’t begin to imagine them. ;-)

Edit: Apparently I am not very good at round numbers, because I have to add a few more that have occurred to me. Huh, maybe I’ll make it a regular “Bucket List” page, eh?  Anyway:

    1. Having my labia sewn shut
    2. Saline injections in my labia