Kinky Bucket List Revisited

Someone on Twitter recently made a comment about my Kinky Bucket List. Honestly, it’s been a minute since I originally wrote that – I posted it in 2012! Ten years? Whew! There’s still a lot of things I haven’t done, and a lot of things that still resonate with me, but others…maybe not so much. I’ll probably need to go over it again at some point and update it; maybe revise it a bit. But if you’re interested in what kinds of kinky fuckery I get up to in my head, feel free to take a gander over there.

What I am interested in now though, what surprised (and delighted) me, was finding this on my list:

Experiencing erotic hypnosis – the ultimate scene would involve being hypnotized to believe that I have been drugged and have no control over my body, then to be used by several men, unable to move or help myself.

I had told K in one of our early hikes that I was interested in it. I’d seen it on his Fet profile after I’d met him in our kinky hiking group and I had wandered over to Fet to find out more about him. Just about every nerve ending stood bolt upright when I read that he was into it. But it still felt…transgressive…to talk to him about it. I had to steel up the nerves to do so. Erotic hypnosis – hypnokink – has been a hot button for me since the very beginning (as evidenced by my Kinky Bucket List!) But none of my other partners had been interested in it. (Now I am wondering where that book I bought V on the topic is…) To actually be talking to someone that was actually interested in the topic? Maybe not just interested, but practicing it??

God I wanted him to fuck my mind. (Just typing that makes me throb, makes me ache, makes me catch my breath.)

And now…now he is. Now he does. Fuck my mind. Now I am in a relationship in which hypnosis plays a large – a very large – part. K incorporates erotic hypnosis into our relationship, for play and deeper aspects of (consensual) conditioning and control. No, we haven’t played out the fantasy above (if that would even be possible) but we’ve played on some every hot edges and he’s trained(?) conditioned(?) me to orgasm on command, without any stimulation (except him in my head – which is really freaking stimulating, lol.)

I’ve spoken before about how keyed I get to my Dominant when in a D/s relationship. His desires become mine, his fantasies become mine. I am not subsumed by him, but I get so deeply tied to him that even when I don’t want to get turned on by the shit that turns him on, I do. It wasn’t until I started talking to K about hypnosis that I began to see a connection between allowing – maybe even wanting – myself to be conditioned by my D/s partner in this way and the things I find incredibly compelling about hypnosis. I’ve realized that I probably have a “very serious” kink for it. (Surprising to no one I’ve ever talked to about it, and K least of all, lol.)

So, here we are. Me, in my dining room writing to you, hot and bothered just thinking about him in my head, fucking my mind…controlling me; conditioning me this way. You, out there, probably wondering, is it real?

I can’t speak for anyone else’s experience. Sometimes I can barely find the words for my own. I could turn this into an argument about the nature of reality… What is “real”? We perceive everything through the filter of our minds… everything. So if he is between my legs, but not touching me with his hands, or cock, or anything else…and my mind is open to him, my subconscious, below the level of my thinking mind…and he is telling me that I am feeling him fucking me, feeling his cock press against my opening, feeling him pushing inside me… And I do, I feel him rocking against me, the weight of him, the pressure of him inside me…and my mind is telling me that these things are real… How is that any less real than my mind telling me that the sky is blue or water is wet?

Or if we are walking down a busy pathway to the river, and he tells me that I can feel the Lush inside me, feel it buzzing, as we walk, and my mind tells me that I can

There is a part of me now that is always open, always receptive, waiting to listen to him. To what he says to me, to what he doesn’t say, to what he wants, to what he tells me my body is doing, even if it is not something I am aware of actually doing until I am already there. I think, during our extended times together, that I am falling in and out of trance the whole time. I find myself focusing on the tracing of his fingers on my skin, or the sound of his voice, or his eyes, and suddenly I am there…tho it doesn’t feel sudden. It feels like a slow, dreamy slide into a place of waiting. Waiting to be commanded, to be controlled.

And I love it there.

I feel good.

I feel good, and excited about the future – romance, sex, kink, friends, family and travel. I feel like things are rounding a corner, and round that corner it’s easy to peek into a future that looks brighter, less-traumatizing, healthier, happier.

Maybe having (hot) sex on the regular helps with my outlook, lol.

But it’s so much more than that. Ever since getting back from Utah I have felt my inner and outer world shifting, coming back into alignment. And a lot of it is due to a releasing of expectations, a sense of letting go and letting be.

Not to say that I am not very actively pursuing my needs, wants and desires. Or that I am letting life “happen” to me: as always I am the architect of my life. But I am also not trying to force life to be what I want and I am allowing myself to flow along with it, which has garnered some surprisingly pleasing – and pleasingly surprising – results. (See: hot sex.)

But also so much more than that.

I feel good in my head and in my heart and in my body. I feel ready and excited about what comes next – without placing any expectations on it. I like who I have become, who I am becoming.

There was a pool party this past weekend. It was at the house of a lover/play partner/FWB of K’s, someone he started seeing right about the time we started going out. Since then he and I have developed a D/s dynamic and have established much more than just a “play partner” relationship, but still…I had some insecurities about going.

I sat with that feeling for awhile. Acknowledged it; let myself feel and accept it. I told him how I was feeling, but in a measured, non-confrontational way, and also in a way that did not expect him to “fix” it for me: this is on me. This is work I need to do for myself. I gave myself the grace to not be up to the work though; allowed myself the out of not being comfortable with it enough to engage: I don’t have to conquer all the anxieties and insecurities today. And he was perfect and lovely: “I’d like you to go,” he said. But he didn’t insist, he didn’t push.

I am infuriatingly indecisive though. “Should I stay or should I go?” Staying I would despise myself for not facing my fears; I would imagine so much more than would probably ever happen; I would resent the situation. Going…well, going I could be found unlovely, unwanted. Ignored or treated with disdain or disinterest. Perhaps he would compare us, side by side, and realize…what. I don’t know. All the demons in my head brought to life: you are unworthy, uninteresting, unsexy, unloveable.

But: “I want you to go,” he said. And I don’t know if he realizes how much power, how much influence, that has on me, on my submissive heart. We’re new to this D/s together, he new to being with someone like me. So maybe he didn’t know what a profound effect those words would have on me. But they did, and I realized that, regardless of my own anxieties, if I am to be his – his submissive – then I must do as he desires. His desire becomes mine.

And so it did.

And I went. And it was a lot of fun. None of the scary things I had imagined came to be. A lot of really nice unexpected things did. I was so glad that I went. Somehow, submitting to the power that his will has over me, allowed me to…find my own power in the situation. Created a safe space for me to go, regardless of all the things in my head. Because I wasn’t there for anyone else, or even myself – I was there because he wanted me to be.

Here’s a little additonal aside though, and one of the achingly beautiful things I love about poly (or at least good poly): I told Ad how I was feeling. Didn’t expect him to be onboard with going because of his work schedule, but he didn’t hesitate: “Of course I’ll go!” So I got to be there with both my guys. And (huh) with lovely marks from an asked-for caning. And I flirted and laughed and got to snuggle with a warm, soft girl and hung out with our hostess and didn’t feel any of the weirdness I had expected. An afternoon of win.

Weekend Happenings

This sunburn, on top of these bruises…

These cane marks…

And this smile…

All happened this weekend.

I planned to do an actual write-up on the actual happenings, but my laptop died and I’m too lazy to go downstairs and get the cord – so I’m writing on my phone. Yay for phone apps, but it’s still a chore to compose on the small keyboard. Maybe I’ll follow up with more story? I never seem to have enough time to write it all down…

How about you?

The Kink of the Week is “Breasts,” and of course today is Friday so it’s Boobday! I thought about taking the easy way out, and just posting a pictire of my tiny-but-powerful titties, but…well…I actually have some words about them. I know – surprise! right? But first, okay, since you asked so nicely…

I recently watched the video of myself that this clip came from. It was hot, and weird, and sexy, and uncomfortable watching myself do lewd things on video. I’ve got lots of images, and I’ve made more than a couple Marco Polos, but there’s not a whole hell of a lot of video of me doing nasty things out there, and less often do I watch them myself. The topic of this video – and the way it came about – was particularly kinky, and something I haven’t yet decided to share. But what I did want to share was this image of my breasts.

I’ve always loved my nipples. Perky, delightfully-shaped, delicate in color and oh-so-sensitive – I am a fan of them, as are and have been most of my lovers, once they discover their secret. And sometimes even if they don’t.

My breasts, on the other hand…

I’m not a hater of tiny titties. I have loved quite a few in my days as a lover-of-women. And there are times when I see them and think, okay, they are kinda cute. I love having them manhandled, mashed and pulled and squeezed and pinched. I like them bound and clothespinned, tied in rope and cropped with canes. I’ve enjoyed having them flogged and whipped with a singletail and splattered with hot wax. I’m not a huge fan of having them bit or slapped, though truth-to-tell even that I enjoy if only for the perverse joy in taking it for my Top. But all that is mostly enjoying them for what they can do, or have done to them. I don’t often look at them and think, “Wow, pretty!”

They are a little lopsided. They aren’t quite round, and they aren’t really much of a handful. They don’t spill out of my tops or fill out my bras; I’m not exactly a candidate for giving a good tittie fucking. Sometimes – especially when I see others’ beautiful breasts in all their full, rounded, luscious glory – I feel…less-than. Found lacking; unfeminine. Not always – it’s not like I dwell on it. But sometimes.

But then, as I did the other day when made to watch the video above, I see them as beautiful. So sexy and so female that I was mesmerized for a moment, as though I was watching someone else. They bounced and jiggled so delightfully, I loved the creamy tecture of their skin, and that smattering of freckles – wow, they are beautiful.

They may not be “perfect,” but that’s okay. I’m a fan. How about you?

WFH Days Revived

I am sitting here in my dining room where I like to blog, cozy jammies and fuzzy llama socks on, a bowl of Lucky Charms in front of me, avoiding my office for the moment because it feels like I need some aftercare. Strange since I am alone. LOL

I have just had the most mind-blowing orgasms. (Edit: this “mind-blowing orgasms” thing will become a theme.) Three of them. In the middle of the day. In the middle of a work day.

Okay, I was technically on lunch, clocked-out, not on company time. But still.

Those of you that have been around here for awhile might recall my Work from Home Days with W. Days spent working at his house, often in chains or bondage of some sort, always in high heels, frequently in some sort of predicament. If I recall, WFH was usually just one day a week then. It gradually increased until I was WFH full-time for the last year I was at my previous job; when I moved to this job there was no WFH time, and I sorely missed it. Then W died, and even though I went full-time remote at the beginning of the pandemic, I had no one to play those kinds of games with me. Well, I won’t say it never happened…there was a short, intense period with V where we played with each other over text and Messenger during work hours, but (now that I think of it) that was almost never when I was WFH.

Seriously – I love having my Dom insert himself into my work days. I think that might have been a primary reason that I wanted to WFH at least one day a week way back when. And now – most magical of magical things – I have a Dominant who likes playing with me when I am WFH as much as I enjoy being played with! Our play is much more of the remote/instructions variety, as I don’t work with him or in his home like I did with W. But it’s no less exciting, and it’s just as often a day-long “scene,” even if he isn’t right here.

He feels “right here.” Oftentimes he is with his voice. Or I am there with pictures or video. Most times it is with instructions that he gives me and that I strive to obey to the letter.

Occasionally it is a small, directed act of correction.

Pinch yourself twice on each inner thigh…

But more often it is a set of instructions that build upon one another.

I like that peek of the bra. Pull your dress off your shoulders and show me the whole thing.
Wear something loose and modest.

This last was supposed to be our first play-at-the-office-play date, although at the time I didn’t know it. We’d played for the first time in my basement that night, and I was high and hazy from that, and the next morning all I knew were his instructions. So – although I got up late and realized I wouldn’t make it into the office, I still dressed as he had instructed.

This may have resulted in my panties behing on the desktop while I had one after the other unscheduled Zoom calls.

Take off your panties and put them on the desk where you can see them while you work.
No more than one layer of clothing covering any part of your body.
Insert the Lush and let me know when you have connected it to the app.
Touch yourself for me...
Cum for me.

It’s been a few heady days.

I’m up at 5 a.m. because I realized, late late last night, that I haven’t written or posted anything since…Sunday? I’d say I’m just crazy busy (and I am!) but it’s not entirely that. I had time last night when I could have sat myself down and written something. And I have a lot of somethings to write about! But I get distracted, or veg in front of the TV wih Adam instead (that happened last night.) And no writing gets done.

That’s lack of self-discipline.

I have spent the last three weekends with K. Adam has been a part of that time off and on too, dinners and hanging out, but a lot of that time K and I have been pretty focused on each other. Which is good and normal, especially in a newly-minted relationship, but which can lead to some pretty intense NRE and even some droppy feelings when we aren’t together. I wrestled with that last week even as I looked forward to our weekend away, and now I am dealing with it as I resume my (normal for now) life of needing to do things to help out my parents, and he does his normal social stuff. I don’t actually want to spend every minute of every day/night with him (okay there is part of my brain that says, “yes! every minute!” but that’s a result of the chemical soup my brain is simmering in – lol.) But I definitely have a healthy dose of FOMO, especially when he spends time with mutual acquaintances who have maybe not yet seen us as a “couple.” Now that we have acknowledged that – couplehood, and a formal D/s dynamic – to ourselves/each other, I want others to know too. I’m sure most of that can be attributed to some weird leftover biological/societal programming, and I need to resist it, but… *shrug*. It is what it is.

All this is mostly by way of musing…figuring out the why’s of my head. Yeah, navel-gazing, more-or-less. But it’s what I do. I think he might have said, “Don’t overthink things,” at some point this last weekend. And I just cocked my head and thought (or maybe said) “Do you know me?” lol This is the woman that has taken the art of thinking out loud, of at-times overthinking out loud, to the nth degree, having been doing so here and in my various other internet spaces fairly faithfully for over 20 years. Hah.

But seriously. It’s all really really good. Being “out” with his friends will come. Being together at social functions will come too, though I will have to make myself not throw myself into all the activities he takes part in, as he is far more social than I am. I need to set boundaries for myself and honor my need for space away from other hoomans to recharge. Otherwise I will burn out eventually. And don’t no one want a burnt-out Jade.

On the flip side of that, however, is the reality of coming out of the past two years, and finding a need to be more social, to reestablish friendships and more-ships, to make up for lost time. I really took to hermitting pretty hard, and for awhile I thought that would be the way it would always be from now on, but the recent forays I have made into being a social creature again – hiking, bowling, game nights and play parties, going out and about in the world again – have been really positive, and not left me drained and feeling depleted.

I think balance is the key. Now I just have to figure out where that balance is, what it looks like in a post-pandemic world for me.

Gah. Here I have blathered on and on without sharing any of the fun juicy stuff, even though (judging by the title of the post) that was what I had intended to write about originally! Apparently my head had other words to get out first. I’m going to wrap up here for now, and maybe try to get to the fun stuff the rest of this week. ;-)

Cop Out

So here’s the crux of it: I am too full of…all the thoughts, all the feels, all the everything…to compose a blog post coherently.

I’ve got a lot to say. OMG so much in my head. But I need to parse it. Need to ponder, need to let it simmer and marinade and stew a bit. Let the words settle in my head before I can put them to paper.

All good things. So many good things.

But right now? Right now I just want to savor this moment. Be in the moment, be present for it.

I know, it’s a cop out. But I’m okay with that.

Anticipation 3

Being poly/having multiple partners – if one doesn’t live with both/all – is (often) a game of anticipation. It can be both sweet and, while maybe not bitter, at least frustrating: a delicious ache of longing for the one(s) you aren’t with, even as you enjoy the time you are spending with the one(s) you are with. I’ve balanced on the edge of these seemingly disparate emotions for most of my adult romantic life (wow, it seems weird to even think that, but it’s true, I have been poly now longer than I was mono.) And I have managed them in a myriad of ways, sometimes effectively, sometimes not so much. Being in the present and enjoying the company of one partner and yet savoring the thought that I will soon be in my other’s presence = good; too much alcohol and too much pining, not appreciating what I have right in front of me = not so good.

In my two longest relationships of this type (both with Ad as one of my partners), these feelings manifested themselves differently and elicited different actions/interactions accordingly. I believe a lot of that had to do with how secure I felt in the relationships themselves. I almost always felt secure in my relationship with W; I seldom – even in the very beginning – felt that kind of security with V. Part of that could be the fact that V had a partner, and interactions with her – both mine and his – informed my anxieties and insecurities. The fact that he (V) was also prone to anxieties and insecruities, and his way of interacting with the world (and me) often fomented same, really exacerbated the situation. These aren’t excuses for my at-times poor behavior, but they are reasons that influenced my ability to cope with grace and an even temperment, or even to view our time apart as anything other than a misery.

It is too soon to know how our by-neccessity separations are going to play out in the long run in my new relationship. Right now it’s an ache hightened by the excitement of knowing we’ll be together over the weekend, and punctuated by remote playtime, texting off and on, and a good deal of flirting. It seems to be a healthy – and at times heady – mix. Not too overwhelming, but not so little that I begin to fret. Also, even when he is with another partner, I don’t feel…forgotten or neglected. He’s good at finding the right balance there – not catering to my sometimes-insecure side, while gently reminding me that I am important to him.