30 Days of Kink: Day 4 – Early Signs

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

I was such a shy, withdrawn teenager.  All I thought about was my horse & reading. And boys, but less so.  Kink would have been right outta there.

There were two things that might have indicated where my future interests would lie, however. One I don’t consider “kink” but definitely is my sexuality, the other is definitely kink, but it’s hard for me to say that any 14 year old that read what I did wouldn’t become aroused…

I lived in a small mountain town with my mother and stepfather and spent summers with my father in Berkeley, CA. One summer, when I was about 14, and just becoming aware of myself as a sexual being, I was in a park near my dad’s apartment. I saw two women kissing there, and holding hands, and just acting like a normal couple.  I watched them, surreptitiously, for a long time.  I was deeply aroused, and also ashamed by that arousal. But I was also something else…something I can’t really name.  It was the first time I had ever considered women loving each other, both sexually and romantically. It was an eye–and heart–opening moment for me.

Later that week I looked up in an alternative paper where the local Gay/Lesbian Center was, and I walked by it several times that summer, but never worked up the nerve to go in.

The second memory has to do more directly with kink. I found a copy of Nancy Friday’s My Secret Garden, in which women told their sexual fantasies. The ones I remember most? The enema and alien sex ones. LOL But I remember paging through the book to get to the kinky ones, in whatever form.

Check out the list below for other kinky blogger’s answers to Day 4’s question!

Cinnamon

Scarlet Lotus

Mistress Says

Pornocracy

He Says She Says

Nimues World

Roles Defining Rules

Deviante

Perverted Imp

There’s also someone new doing the 30 Days, and though she hasn’t gotten to Day 4 yet, I wanted to point out her blog, because it’s lots of fun (and okay, hot and sexy too…):

Molly’s Daily Kiss

Beautiful Bird…

“Mon bel oiseau, encore plus belle lorsque tu es en cage.”
My beautiful bird, even more beautiful when you’re in a cage.

That is how Google translates the subject line of a blogpost I recently ran across–one in which some of my cage photos were pictured.  I tracked it back from an “incoming link” as I was perusing my blog stats and was enormously flattered to see my pictures there.  And what a wonderful saying/expression. I can think of many Tops who would agree with it.

From his notes on my pics:

“Bien prise en cage
Et fortement soumise à contrainte, pour notre plus grand plaisir.
Mais qui sais aussi se ménager des moments de délices.”

Which Google translates as:

Although taken in a cage
And highly subject to compulsion, for our greatest pleasure.
But also know of a moment of delight.

Nice, eh?  Take a moment and look at the other beautiful caged birds he has in the post.

Thank you, my blogger friend from afar!

And now, from this weekend, another kind of cage:

Some thoughts on submission

Sometimes I forget in the middle of things that I am a submissive, and that part of that, the “submitting” part,  is simply doing what he wants, regardless of if it is personally working for me, because it makes him happy.  It makes him hard, it makes him excited, it gets him off.

And that, after all, is why I am here, right?

Huh. Novel concept.

I was reminded of that today, sitting across from him in his office as we chatted idly about an upcoming event this weekend, and I saw, in his face, how pleased he was that I was doing what I was doing.

I was feeling pissy and resentful about it, to be honest. But knowing that in this particular instance, speaking up wasn’t going to change anything, I bit my tongue and held my peace, because I didn’t want to ruin it for him.

And because, at the core of me, I wanted to do what he wanted me to, regardless of if, in the moment, it was working for me.

This is an odd space for me to be in mentally, to be honest. I don’t do the “I’m a submissive, therefore I obey in silence and with proper attitude” thing.  But being submissive, there is part of me that does react that way, naturally, and so when I am placed in a situation where those two parts of me are in conflict, well, I struggle.  Since he’s gotten back, and I’ve had to arrange this situation at his request, I’ve been struggling with my feelings of resentment, not because I do not want to do what he wants, to submit to what he wants, but because I have felt, in this instance, that I have been submitting in a kind of…vacuum.  That it is all me, arranging, managing, making happen, when I feel that this should be his role in things.  I want him to tell me what to do, to be in control, to be manipulating things–and me. I feel like he is getting all the benefit and I am getting none of the reward that I typically get, that feeling of being controlled.

In the moment, it is easy to feel my submission echoed by his dominance. In the moment, there is no doubt that he is exerting definite, overt and complete control over me, both emotionally and physically, and my submissive self rejoices, and responds instinctively. My submission is rewarded by his dominance. It is circular, and my need to submit to him is fed–and rewarded–by his control over me.  And I need that reward.

But outside of those “in the moment” times, our relationship is not one of typical D/s interactions.  He does not require or want my obedience, does not want or require that I “see the world through his eyes,” as Vesta says in a post that has had me thinking quite a bit as I struggle with these feelings.  He does not require me to obey any rules, that I live my life according to the way that he wants me to live it.  He requires very little of me, in fact, other than that when I am with him I allow him to do those things that he wishes to do to me.  When I am with him, I am his to do with as he wants.

This is the easy part for me.  Dominance on his part = submission on mine.  But what I feel in general about our relationship, the underlying thread of submission I feel for him is not generated by dominance on his part. Any submission I feel for him outside of that “in the moment” is entirely generated from within myself, and from a need that I have to submit, not from his desire to dominate me or for me to submit to him. I submit to him because it is a part of me and a part of what I feel for him. Outside of those “in the moment” times, my submission is not reciprocated, not fed, by his dominance.  And sometimes, that makes it difficult for me.  It makes me feel, at those times, that I am submitting in a vacuum.

So this, in part, was what I was angry about. He wants me to do something, which I very much want to do–for him–but what I want to get out of it, the feeling of being controlled, is not there. I am submitting to him, but he is not dominating or controlling the situation or me. Instead he puts it on my shoulders, “You arrange it.” He wants me to do it so he can have the enjoyment of it without the bother of having to manage it.  And hell, he’s the Top, right? Isn’t it, after all, my job to make his life easy, enjoyable?  Isn’t that what being a “good submissive” is?  And, being a “good submissive” I of course want to make that happen for him.

But yesterday…yesterday (and earlier today) I was feeling pissy, and like going off into my own corner of the universe and telling the world to fuck off.  Like a child throwing a temper tantrum, instead of the adult I am supposed to be. The adult I know he expects me to be, the one who says, “Hey, this isn’t working for me!” if it isn’t.  Because, bottom line, is that he doesn’t want me to stuff my feelings, deny or mute them, he doesn’t believe that is what a “good submissive” does any more than I do.

Except that, because I do feel this submission, whether or not he requires it, it is there, an innate part of me and in my interactions with him, and…yes, like my submissive friends living a more “traditional” D/s lifestyle, I, too, feel that need to subsume my own desires/wants/needs in order to please him. I don’t speak up.  I don’t want to ruffle his feathers, I don’t want him to be displeased with anything I do or say. I want to make him happy.  And today, seeing how pleased he was, of course that made it all worthwhile. I basked in the glow of knowing I was pleasing him.  In the end, when it is over and I am with him again and know how much I have pleased him, I will get all the emotional feedback that I need. I will have my reward.

So is this, then, submission?  Even if he is not “dominating,” is this the essence of submission?  Simply obeying, of being obedient and doing what he wants me to do the way he wants it…even if…he doesn’t recognize it as such, or appreciate it for what it is?  It is in the act of submission that I am fulfilled, that my own needs are, ultimately, met.  Because I am not just a bottom–if I am not submitting, then it doesn’t work for me. Even if he is not dominating.

And in the end, when I know I have pleased him…fuck it all…it doesn’t matter how I got there. Vacuum or not, whatever it is in me that has this need to submit to him, is fulfilled and content.  And that, after all, is what it’s all about.  But damn it’s a twisted road to get here at times.

e[lust] #16


Photo courtesy of Janie

Welcome to e[lust] – Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #17? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Sex Pistil’s Guide to Sucking Great Cock The penis is not something to be feared. It’s not something to hide from, and it’s definitely not something to be put up with the good china and used for special occasions only. The penis is alive and breathing, so to speak, and as such, is not a one-size-fits-all, if-one-guy-likes-it, all-guys-like-it kind of entity.

An Erotic Vignette –  “You will come, and when you do, you will yell my name. Because I own you.” “No,” she whispered again, terrified. The last part of herself… total control over her pleasure, the responses of her body… surely he couldn’t… but his eyes said he could.

Dual Erotica: TahoeWe finally reach our floor and excitement wars with nervousness in my head. After all, it’s been a long, long time for me. I don’t have the body I once had; I’m not nearly as experienced as you are. But there is no turning back, not that I want to

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Does Size Matter? I am most definitely a size queen when it comes to my sex toys…but there’s a reason for that. Using a dildo is very VERY different from how I get fucked by a guy.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

I Want It AllGender (identity) is different to (biological) sex. Biologically there are males and females, and those who identify as neither (intersex). But it’s sure as hell not that simple, no matter what society says.

See also: Pleasurists #80 and #81 for all your sex toy review needs.

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Along OUR Beating Path
Bringing Sexy Back
Equality
Fear (No Loathing) in Las Vegas
Getting Started in Swinging – Clubs
I’m a woman, and I like porn.
M says I’m a good girl!
Nerves & Dysfunction – Erectile Issues in the Lifestyle
Revelations (Of the Feminist and Slut Kind)
Sex Addiction
Submission is not an excuse to be Spineless!
Semi-Rape – Couldn’t Say No
Toys Vs. Cocks
Transtastic: On Why My Relationships are Queer
Words, Words, Words

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Sex Ed
The Uncensored Realm of Internet Erotica

Kink & Fetish

67 orgasms will do this to a woman
Bless Me Father… For I Keep Sinning
Carnival
Can I?
Life List: TortureGarden Party…check
Three is a Magic Number – Part 1

Erotic Writing

#8 – Sharing is Caring
Alone
A Gracious Acceptance
disrobing
Erotica: Like This
Gagging her…
Homecoming
I Opened My Eyes
Kiss
Love, Sex And The Snooze-Button
Not Now
Phone Threesome
Remember…?
sex is sex no matter the sex
sexy photoshoot – part II
The Customer
Tall Summer Grass
The cave of unimaginable sincerity and beauty
Very Far from Heaven
With heels on

e[lust] #6

DSC00216-1

HNT Courtesy of Having My Cake And Eating It Too

Welcome to e[lust] – your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #7? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Exposing My Self to Airport Security I stared right at her until she looked away and called for assistance for a pat-down search.  I gaped, chin dropped: holy shit, they’re gonna give me a pat down cuz I’m packing a silicon cock.

Prefect’s Prerogative When I neglect this duty, or don’t perform it to his satisfaction, he makes me light a fire in his room, and stand in front of it in just my school shirt and white socks.

Attention Women: There is Something Wrong With Your Vagina Yes, that’s what your vagina needs: a breath mint. Because, just like vagina shouldn’t smell like vagina, it also shouldn’t taste like vagina.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

The Perfect FatWhy do clothes designers assume that if you’re plus-sized you’re 1. over 5′9″ and 2. over the age of 45 or “matronly and modest”? At the age of 32 I am not yet ready to dress like my grandmother.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Zipless “I have some Scotch in my room—maybe you’d join me? You know, in the interest of not drinking alone…” She smiled. Perhaps she could yet salvage the day’s ending.

See also: Pleasurists #61 for all your sex toy review needs.
Also in recent sex news
, check out the coverage of the Adult Entertainment Expo that happened in Las Vegas a couple weeks ago. You’ll see videos and articles from our fellow sex-bloggers on fun things like a rodeo penis and new sex toys not even on the market yet!

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Arousal is not consent
Psychosexual: Does the G spot exist? Do I care?
Reputable Help for Haiti
Squicked
That’ll be 151 Nickels
The Case of the Mysteriously Vanishing G-spot
Transtastic: Joking About Being Trans
Vegas – Day One – Diva’s Quick Recap
Vegas – Day One – Tess’s Thoughts
Why Don’t They Just LEAVE?

Kink & Fetish

Anatomy of a Mindfuck
Bad Submissive
Claiming: Go Pantiless After
Dating Refresher
Electric fuck
Fetishes and me
Kinky With Class
Laziness never pays off
Piercing reversal
Resolution
Titty Fuck
The Coffee Date, Part 2
The Job Interview
Without Reason

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies
Greedy For The Verse
Hang Ups and Hand Jobs
Ivy Madden
If she had just been a better wife…
Insomnia
Swinging
The Sexiness Beneath
Weightlessness

Erotic Writing

42DD
A Different Kind of Fuck
Across the Room
All in a Play Party’s Night
Amazing Night
Bedtime Story
Behind You
Breathe and Let Go
Done by a Clown
Evening Home
Glow
Lick You As Long As You Like
Moments of Clarity
Naughty Neighbor
Saturday Night’s Alright (For Swapping)
Sex and Video Games
Slip sliding away
The Slut Chronicles #11 ~ The Dinner Party
Thursdays
Tyler
Visitors in my Bedroom
Wicked Wednesday: Altitude
When you Talk About Maelee

Body Image and Flaws on APL

As some of you may have noticed, I didn’t post an HNT this week. I really did get too busy, but if I am to be honest, there was also another reason. I wanted to participate in fellow blogger Another Suburban Mom’s “Flaws” HNT theme, but I just wasn’t brave enough to do it. It did, however, inspire quite a bit of thought on the topic of body image, and I have written a new post over on A Poly Life talking about it. I hope you’ll wander over there, as well as to ASM’s blog and to all the other HNT’ers that participated, in support and celebration of all of the wonderful “imperfections” that make us beautiful, and human, and unique.

Meme Fun on APL

I don’t usually do memes, for the reasons stated in my post, but this one was fun and has lots of little tidbits I thought would be fun to share.  Also, since this blog gets read more than APL, I wanted to put something on here to direct you to a fellow blogger, and thence to her birthday-ing husband’s blog, to see if I can’t get some folks to go over there and tell him happy birthday!

New Posts on APL

I’ve had a couple of new posts over on APL, if you haven’t had a chance to see them:

Don’t Postpone Joy in which I talk about the transience of life, and Days Go By, which touches on the same topic but also has a panty picture. (grin)

Go on over and take a peek if you’re tired of sex sex sex all the time. Oh wait, that would be silly, wouldn’t it? Who gets tired of sex?

New on APL (and elsewhere…)

Two new posts over at A Poly Life: Of Fog and Safety and my G-rated HNT. Go on over and take a peek. ;-)

Also check out this post about being responsible for your own shit: Just…thinking by Insatiable Desire. I harp a lot on taking responsibility for own issues/problems. It’s a big deal to me, and a huge problem in our society, I believe. If we could each just start at home, with the small things, acknowledging and taking responsibility, maybe that could spread out into society as a whole…

And this, which almost broke my heart (because yanno, I need that right now, PMS-y tears are not enough): Red Sneaker Diaries: Too Hot.

Oh, and more HNTs (in case you missed them):  I LOVE this HNT, for all kinds of reasons..it’s fun, it’s sexy, and that hint of a grin is just plain sassy: Slingshot HNT. And okay, in keeping with the “Legs” theme, here some others that caught my eye: Miss Dementia, Northern Lights and Sleepless Nights (with fishnets! yumm!) and one sexy librarian!

And, for those romantics, take the time to read this post (before checking out the sexy pics!) HNT and Renewing Our Vows.

Ok, that’s it for now.

Bendy Red

A while ago I bought several toys just for me. At the time, I was having a lot of solo-sex, because A’s and my schedule was screwy, and he’s a morning sex guy and I am an afternoon-sex girl, and a lot of times the only time we saw each other was late in the evening when neither of us had the time or energy to engage in actual, for-real, sex.

Besides, I think toys are a fun way to enhance actual, for-real sex too, although it took me some years to get over the idea that if sex was “good” between you and your partner(s), you didn’t “need” toys.

Anyway, over a period of weeks and months, I eventually used all the toys (and in various and myriad bendybeads_38103ways both intended and probably not) – except one. The BendyBeads. I don’t know why it took me this long to get them out. I’ve said it before: I’m an anal slut, I love anal play, and, well, this should have been a natural.

Okay, I lied. I do know the reason. Because I may say I’m an anal slut here, I may say I like anal play here, but, in real life? Out there? Umm, not so much on the words coming out of my mouth. In fact, simply being made to say the words is pussy-wetting, acute-embarrassment-engendering humiliation-play all on its own. And anal play really needs someone else doing it to me for it to work.  It’s the humiliation factor that gets me.

Usually.

There’s been a time or two that I’ve gotten that itch and scratched it myself. But usually that is accompanied by visions of them, one of the guys, doing those things to me. Forcing me. Violating my ass, using me, using my hole, making me feel like a hole put there for their use.

Sometimes, though, A has anal sex with me, or uses his fingers or toys in my ass, and even more occasionally W does, in a way that is about pure pleasure, about pleasuring me. It’s still humiliating to me, I can’t get past that. I can’t get past the humiliation I feel for liking it, for wanting it. That’s part of its (twisted) pleasure. But also there is real physical pleasure, if done right, that has nothing to do with dominance or humiliation or being used. Many times I want that…but I can’t get up the nerve to ask.  I wish I could ask for it more often.

On this one occasion, though, I did.

“Please,” I said, looking everywhere but at him, “can we try my BendyBeads?”

He was more than happy to accommodate me, as he usually is.

I straddled him, facing away, so I could get at my clit and he could get at my ass. He lubed up the toy generously.  I think I was still embarrassed, because he had to lift my ass from where I was trying to hide it against his groin. I was acutely, absurdly shy at having my ass open and waiting for him that way, but that only made me wetter. The anticipation of feeling it slip inside me, one bulbous knob at a time, was excruciating.

And…it did feel…pleasant. But one bead wasn’t going to be enough. I wanted to be filled with it, to feel heavy and full and opened wide…

I never really got that with the toy. But what I did get was almost as good.

Ad is patient. He pays attention to the signals my body is sending, he experiments until he gets it just right, until I am moaning and pushing and writhing against him, even if it takes a couple different tactics to get there. Just pushing the toy into me, even to the hilt, wasn’t doing it for me. Before, with regular anal beads, the pleasure in them was in having them pulled out, right at orgasm. With the Bendies, I was almost there, but when he went to pull them out–nothing. It was disappointment enough to chase the orgasm away. So, he did what any enterprising person would do: he pushed them back in. And lo and behold, instant pleasure. Me, saying, yes yes yes.  So, he pulled them out again. And pushed them in again.  And soon he was fucking my ass with that thing, hard, shoving it all the way in and pulling it back out over and over.  Later, he told me he was twisting it around too.  All I know is that that is what did it…soon, I was exploding into an incredible orgasm; shaking, laughing, screaming.

And seeing red.

Next, I’ll tell you about this kind of red:

mjw06970e

Meanwhile, don’t forget to hit up Alison over at A Trollop with a Laptop and send her a story for her Scarlet Tour.