I needed release last night. Filled with pent-up desire and the frustration of having no outlet for it, I lay in the front room of the condo I am sharing with my daughter here in Mexico and listened to her settling in for the night, separated only by a half wall and wooden shutters. I’ve been struggling more than I thought I would (and I thought I would a lot) with this separation from W; not the separation of these 10 days so much as the knowledge that it will now likely extend until the end of the month, and in that time, he will be spending time with his other partner, playing with her, using her, hurting her the way I want to be used, played with, hurt. I am happy for him, and for her, even.
I wish it was me.
But it’s not, and I am here, alone, and I want the release of an orgasm to lull me into sleep, to make the night go by faster so that I am not laying here awake thinking about him. With everything in my head though, and with my daughter so close by, I can’t find that space in my head that will take me there.
So I turn to porn.
I am not a big pornography viewer. Which may seem odd, considering that I am the subject of a hell of a lot of it, and even, tonight, tried to find a way to send W some of my own, the first porn “video” I’ve ever made, the one that Ad did of me fucking myself with Blue and W’s J-hook. But maybe because I have so much imagery of my own, and the stories that I tell myself (and that W tells me) are so vivid (and hell, they star me) I just don’t find a lot of need for it. On this night I do, though, and (thankfully) I find what I need pretty quickly, and come, twice, hard, and fall at once into a deep, dreamless sleep.
This morning I woke up thinking about women and pornography. After being pointed to Violet Blue‘s Our Porn, Ourselves website, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I feel about pornography in general, my own relationship to it in particular, and what it means to be a feminist, a woman and a mother that also happens to like porn.
There are a lot of nuances to the debate however (an excellent discussion of these can be found on Audacia Ray’s blog here) and I don’t have the knowledge or experience to address most of them. I can only speak from my own perspective.
I can, however, agree with the “Pro-porn Principles” as laid out by the Our Porn, Ourselves website:
WE who declare that organizations such as Feminists Against Pornography do not speak for us.
WE who want the world to know that organizations such as Feminists Against Pornography do not represent feminists as a group.
WE who believe that every woman has the right and power to enjoy her sexuality as she decides.
WE who believe that to tell a woman how she may or may not enjoy her sexuality in any way is to deny that woman of her rights over her sexuality.
WE who state that any woman who attempts to control the way another woman enjoys, explores or expresses her sexuality is in fact creating a world that is harmful for all women.
WE who state that we are women, and we like pornography.
WE who state that as women, we are not harmed or threatened by the creation or viewing of pornography, and we wholly support the rights of any gender to view, create and enjoy pornography without judgment.
WE who want a world in which pornography is simply a sex toy enjoyed by all genders and sexual orientations, where women and men view porn within their own self-defined healthy sexuality, without being considered sick, twisted, wrong or mentally ill, and that men who enjoy pornography are no more likely to beat their wives, rape women or become peadophiles than anyone else in society.
WE hereby declare ourselves as adult women capable of making our own choices about our bodies and enjoyment of explicit visual stimulation for our sexual health and well-being.
WE hereby demand that our voices be heard.
For more on this topic, see my latest article over on Eden Cafe: Pro-Porn.