I'm a woman, and I like porn.

I needed release last night. Filled with pent-up desire and the frustration of having no outlet for it, I lay in the front room of the condo I am sharing with my daughter here in Mexico and listened to her settling in for the night, separated only by a half wall and wooden shutters. I’ve been struggling more than I thought I would (and I thought I would a lot) with this separation from W; not the separation of these 10 days so much as the knowledge that it will now likely extend until the end of the month, and in that time, he will be spending time with his other partner, playing with her, using her, hurting her the way I want to be used, played with, hurt.  I am happy for him, and for her, even.

I wish it was me.

But it’s not, and I am here, alone, and I want the release of an orgasm to lull me into sleep, to make the night go by faster so that I am not laying here awake thinking about him. With everything in my head though, and with my daughter so close by, I can’t find that space in my head that will take me there.

So I turn to porn.

I am not a big pornography viewer. Which may seem odd, considering that I am the subject of a hell of a lot of it, and even, tonight, tried to find a way to send W some of my own, the first porn “video” I’ve ever made, the one that Ad did of me fucking myself with Blue and W’s J-hook. But maybe because I have so much imagery of my own, and the stories that I tell myself (and that W tells me) are so vivid (and hell, they star me) I just don’t find a lot of need for it.  On this night I do, though, and (thankfully) I find what I need pretty quickly, and come, twice, hard, and fall at once into a deep, dreamless sleep.

This morning I woke up thinking about women and pornography.  After being pointed to Violet Blue‘s Our Porn, Ourselves website, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I feel about pornography in general, my own relationship to it in particular, and what it means to be a feminist, a woman and a mother that also happens to like porn.

There are a lot of nuances to the debate however (an excellent discussion of these can be found on Audacia Ray’s blog here) and I don’t have the knowledge or experience to address most of them.  I can only speak from my own perspective.

I can, however, agree with the “Pro-porn Principles” as laid out by the Our Porn, Ourselves website:

WE who declare that organizations such as Feminists Against Pornography do not speak for us.

WE who want the world to know that organizations such as Feminists Against Pornography do not represent feminists as a group.

WE who believe that every woman has the right and power to enjoy her sexuality as she decides.

WE who believe that to tell a woman how she may or may not enjoy her sexuality in any way is to deny that woman of her rights over her sexuality.

WE who state that any woman who attempts to control the way another woman enjoys, explores or expresses her sexuality is in fact creating a world that is harmful for all women.

WE who state that we are women, and we like pornography.

WE who state that as women, we are not harmed or threatened by the creation or viewing of pornography, and we wholly support the rights of any gender to view, create and enjoy pornography without judgment.

WE who want a world in which pornography is simply a sex toy enjoyed by all genders and sexual orientations, where women and men view porn within their own self-defined healthy sexuality, without being considered sick, twisted, wrong or mentally ill, and that men who enjoy pornography are no more likely to beat their wives, rape women or become peadophiles than anyone else in society.

WE hereby declare ourselves as adult women capable of making our own choices about our bodies and enjoyment of explicit visual stimulation for our sexual health and well-being.

WE hereby demand that our voices be heard.

For more on this topic, see my latest article over on Eden Cafe: Pro-Porn.

How We Got Kinky – Part 2

New post up at Eden Cafe, the continued (true) story: One Couple’s Journey into Kink:

How does a Top with no experience become a Top? What resources were there for someone that wants to learn to Dominate another human being? I didn’t have a clue. More than that, I didn’t have a clue if he’d even want to. But I had a challenge of my own: how to tell my husband that his wife liked kinky sex…

Read more at Eden Cafe.

Book tours, wanking & sex toys – oh my!

I have a paper to write.

I have work to do.

I have real writing, ie a blog with some real content, to do.

And all I can think about is my cunt.

This is all Curvaceous Dee‘s fault, and her month-long Wankfest Challenge.  Well, her’s and W’s fault.

I started a spreadsheet, as she did, and sent the link over to W. (Have I mentioned I love Google Docs lately?) Anyway, no I am not publishing mine to all and sundry, mostly because of that aforementioned embarrassment that I can’t seem to shake about masturbation in the first place, but also because I don’t usually read erotica or watch porn to get me off (although seeing as how I am on the Please, Sir: Erotic Stories of Female Submission Virtual Book Tour, there will be at least one day this month that that will change.)  I fantasize almost exclusively, and I am here to say that my fantasies are sometimes a little…raw…even for this space.  So no, I am not sharing them here. But I did share them with W, because he is as nasty as I am (if not more so!) when it comes to the dirty things that get us off, and I knew he’d enjoy.

What I didn’t expect was for him to decide, based on my first two day’s meeting of the challenge, that yes, he is “requiring” me to participate now.


And so now all I can think about is my cunt. And how I am going to get myself off, and what toy I might use, and what dirty thoughts I am going to think while I am doing it and how I no longer get to choose if I am playing or not.  And of course, if I win the “Get Inspire(d)!” contest at Eden Cafe, I’ll have one more toy to choose from.  A new wand to replace Baldy?!? Well, it is purple.

So while I may not get a lot else done, this could be…a lot…of fun.

How we got kinky

My friend Julian asked me once about my journey into kink.   I’ve decided to turn that into a so-far-two, but possibly-multiple, part series over on Eden Cafe. The first part, “One Vanilla Couple’s Journey Into Kink, or, How I Turned My (Ex)Husband Into A Pervert” is up over there now:

“My ex-husband and I were the most normal, vanilla couple you could ever meet. Married 10+ years, three kids, two cars, house in the suburbs, sex on Saturday nights. We didn’t fight, or drink, or do drugs. No wild parties, no clanking skeletons in our closets.

It was boring.”

Go on, have a read. Check out how I went from normal suburban mom to freaky-kinky me, in three easy steps. Well, maybe more than three. But anyway.  It’s all there. At least Part One is.

New Writing on Eden Cafe

I’ve got a new piece up: How BDSM Made Me Love My Body.

“Then I discovered BDSM. And I discovered that my body, with its ability to do all these things we do, to transform pleasure into pain, to wear 5 inch heels gracefully, to bend and twist and tolerate being bound, to find pleasure in all this, was an asset…and I reveled in it.”

Check it out!

Eden Cafe

I’m sure many of you know that I write occasionally for Eden Cafe (if you don’t, hop over there and check out my author profile, or my latest article, “My Boyfriend’s Closet.”) I’ve got a banner up for it over there in my sidebar, and I mention my writings here every so often, but I’ve never really talked about Eden Cafe itself in my blog.

What is Eden Cafe? Eden Cafe is the blog community for EdenFantasys.com, an internet sex toy retailer. I found it when a fellow blogger started a gig as an editor there. I took a peek at the site and found that I really enjoyed its mixture of news, reviews, blogs, sex & relationship talk. Eventually I ended up writing an article for their Word of the Week section (one of my first was the word “twat”, which is amusing as I just got done seeing Pirate Radio at the theater, in which one of the main characters is named Mr. Twat. Since he is British, it is pronounced with the long “a” as in “hat,” a pronunciation I remarked upon in my WotW. Anyway, I digress.)

So why all this now about Eden Cafe? Well, they have a contest going over there, and the prize is one of those most coveted of toys, the stainless steel Pfun, Pure Plug or Fun Wand. And I’ve been wanting one of those for awhile now. The only reason I didn’t buy one yet is because I haven’t been able to decide which to get. Well, the only reason before this contest. Now I am waiting to see if I win one!

So hop on over there and check out the contest, or even if you don’t dig contests, check out the site. There’s a lot going on there that I think you’ll enjoy.

Eden Cafe

New Articles on Eden Cafe

While I was away playing, dressing up, getting fucked, having Tiger Woods and an anal hook shoved into my ass and cunt, apparently two articles of mine came out on Eden Cafe.  One is a discussion of the acronym RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink), the other is my own musings and sometimes conflicted feelings about being out as a poly person in a mono world: Living Poly in a Mono World.

Greedy Bitch

So I bought my guys some toys. The SO and I are heading up to Kinky Kollege in October, and he had indicated an BirchBundleinterest in canes, so I bought him a “starter” set from Cane-IAC, so that he’ll have several different styles to try out on some unsuspecting female of his acquaintance (huh, think that would be me?) While I was shopping I found a birch bundle, and well, I couldn’t resist. W and I have talked about birching, and it just sounds soooo deliciously fun…so I got him one.

WillowThen I saw a willow bundle, and of course I had to have one of those too.  For the sake of research.  I bought that one for A.

The package arrived yesterday, but I had to wait all through work and class and House and kids getting ready for bed before I could open it.

And then I realized another package had arrived as well, this time from Eden Fantasys! This one was paid for by the two WotW articles I wrote, one on the word bitch, the other on twat, so it made me especially happy.  And inside it were two items that A wanted me to get: two beautiful glass buttplugs. One was the 1-1/2″ Amber Plug and the other was the 2″ Sexy Spades.  Both of these got good reviews from other bloggers, and they are so pretty, they are hard to resist.

2" Sexy Spades
Sexy Spades

Of course I do get the irony of buying something because it is beautiful to insert in my ass. Maybe I like them just because of the irony.

Along with his new cupping set, I do believe we have a lot of “trying out of the new toys” to do.  I’m damn excited!

So excited that I couldn’t resist taking W’s birch rod over to his house at lunch today, rather than wait till Ad and I go over on Thursday.  And of course he had to give it a little test run on my some unsuspecting female’s butt.  I did try to resist.  Honest!

It was yummy. Switchy and stingy and not anything like I expected when I took it out of the box and saw all these poky branches bundled together.

So of course I want more. It was hard to go back to work. It’ll be harder still waiting til I get a proper “birching.” Cuz I am a greedy bitch, doncha know.