30 Days of Kink: Day 1 – Defining My Kinky Self

So, I did it. Sent off my first day of the 30 Days of Kink meme to Rayne of Insatiabledesire to post as a guest on her blog.  You can see that post here: 30DoK: Define Your Kinky Self by Jade. Go on, take a look, and while you’re at it, catch up on all the other posts in the series. There are some bright, beautiful, interesting kinksters out there.

As I continue this meme, I’ll be updating and posting the links to a new Page I’ve created here: 30 Days of Kink.

In conjunction with that, here’s a different kind of snapshot of my kinky self than what I wrote there (I had to be all, like, intellectual there, yanno.)

I was at W’s for the first time since my surgery. Not quite feeling 100% yet, but just on the verge of feeling “good enough.” Earlier that morning he had managed to fend me off when I tried to force him to have sex with me, even going so far as to try and climb on top of him and put it in before he knew what I was doing. I’m so sneaky. ;-)  I didn’t succeed.  He has SO much willpower, the bastard. (This all makes sense if you understand that I was still on a “no sex” rule after my surgery, lol.)

Anyhow, I don’t know how it started. In fact everything before “The Radiator” is fuzzy to me. One minute we were sitting across from each other, each on our own computers, as sometimes we do in the afternoons, and the next…he had his hand in my hair and his cock down my throat as I crouched with my back against the radiator, trying to open my throat to him without gagging while managing to keep my head from smacking against the radiator with each thrust.  I didn’t succeed. (Apparently I was doomed to failure in everything I tried that weekend.) I gagged, he pressed harder, deeper; my head bobbed back and forth, slamming into the radiator every time he pushed himself deeper into my mouth.  I think at one point, he may have said something about enjoying ramming my head against it.  The bastard. (Did I already say that?)

And me? Oh yeah, I enjoyed every thrust. I savored the taste of him in my mouth, his musky man-smell in my nostrils, the feel of him filling my throat, of his hand gripping my hair in a tight fist and forcing me against him, holding me there when I struggled to pull away.  That and the knowledge that he could and would do this, any time, simply because he felt like it.

And then he pulled abruptly away, pushed me aside, and told me to get ready to go home.  I fell back on my butt and sat there, momentarily bemused; quiescent.

And wet.  So fucking wet.

My bemusement rapidly turned into a voracious “I wanna get fucked!”-ness and I stood up and wrapped myself around him, rubbing against him and panting and mewling against his throat as I tried to convince him that I really was ready for sex. No matter what that pesky doctor said. Again, I didn’t succeed.

Of course…this weekend was another story. ;-)

For more fun, here’s another snapshot, with something else stuck in my mouth (and a bit of wetness dribbling down my chin):

First Lines

I got this from Osbasso’s site recently.  I don’t often do memes, but it just seems appropriate, here at the beginning of a new year.

What was the first line from your blog the first day of each month in 2009?

January – “I’ve been looking at photos of the scenes that W and I do.” (How things change–and stay the same–in a year. Looking back at my love/hate affair with being photographed…I’ve come a long way, baby.)

February – “I love it when I wake up to one or the other’s hands on me, pressing, mauling, pulling, squeezing;  fingers or a cock slipping inside before I’ve fully had a chance to wake; a mouth on my neck, a hand on my throat; a whispered “cunt” in my ear.” (Particularly appropriate after the way I ended up spending my NYE last night.)

March – “So there’s a girl.” (One of my first posts about J.  And yeah, how things change…)

April – “We did end up having a date.” (Mmm, a lovely post about a non-date date with Ad. God I love that man.)

May – “Thought maybe I’d share some “real world” stuff, cuz you know, I’m not all sex and kink.” (In which I introduce my pup, and reveal that I am a real live person with a normal life, not just a sex object.)

June – “Not precisely true, as I’m not “still awake” but have been awoken from a restless sleep, and it’s not the words in my head I am trying to escape but the itching of my body-the damn poison ivy, while mostly subdued, always picks the early morning hours to drive me crazy.” (Referencing the words to a song (didn’t count those as my first line, since they aren’t my words) and musing on the nature of exposure, in photos & emotions.)

July – “I was at the shoe store with a girlfriend today and I told her that W felt I had enough slut shoes to last for quite some time, so removing shoe purchases from my budget due to a paycut should not be a hardship.” (Speaking of exposure, this was my first HNT in which I “exposed” part of myself that I seldom do.)

August – “A while ago I bought several toys just for me.” (Ha, how funny to find this post again! Last night we were talking about this exact toy (and possibly this exact time that it was used.)  And I see that I promised to write about something else red and never did.)

September – “Woot!” (About my first post over on Eden Cafe.)

October – “I enjoyed the other morning too, he says. ” (In which I muse on how W and I each perceive the things we do.  One of my favorite posts, actually.)

November – “I have an issue with peeing.” (‘Nuff said.)

December – “That’s actually a common misquote of an Academy Award acceptance speech made by Sally Field.” (e[lust] was out, and one of my other favorite posts, “The Heart of Darkness” was voted into the top 3.)

Naughty Meme

book-cover

I have decided that being snotty is not going to keep me from being naughty (smirk).  Bloghopping again (second day in bed, what else is there to do?) and I ran across Isabella Snow’s blog, in which she had the following meme:

Rules for the Naughty Firsts Meme:

1. Please include a link to Sex Talk For Men. 2. Also, please include as many sordid details in your answers as possible — if you haven’t got any, make them up! 3. Tag 3 people.

(The last I can’t do, b/c I have no idea what she’s talking about, and frankly don’t know enough ppl out there in blogland to “tag”.  I’m just playing b/c I’m looking for something to do…

1. First French kiss? I think I was 10, he was the best friend of my best friend’s brother. He gave me a ring he had made out of…tin or something?…I was now officially his “girlfriend”, he leaned over and planted a sloppy, wet, tongue-slurping0-into-my-mouth kiss.  Blech!  I pulled away, wiped my face and said to “stop that!”  He took his ring away.  I still remember his name though, Matthew. And I can’t remember some of the names of men I have slept with!

2. First boyfriend/girlfriend. Would have to be the boy referenced above. Lasted a half a day!  First real boyfriend though was Frank…my first love, I was 14, he was 17. Both virgins, both lost our virginity to each other.  He broke my heart. Recently I happened to get back in touch with him (almost 20 years later).  That was an experience!

3. First type. Always, always the bad boys.  My tastes have certainly broadened now (SO is anything but a Bad Boy!)

4. First time you had sex. I was also one of those, “Just want to get it over with” people. He was my “first love” but I don’t think he actually stirred much lust in me…I think I felt I was supposed to feel lust, so I did.  We went over to his friend’s house for a party. They were playing Dungeons and Dragons, we went off into his friend’s room and made out.  Things got pretty intense, he was fumbling, I decided I didn’t want to wait around to see if he’d un-fumble and didn’t want to wait to see what it was all about, so I took off my clothes, found a condom “conveniently” placed on the friend’s nightstand, and I got on top and took his virginity.  And mine. Everyone knew what had happened when we came out because my shirt was on inside out.  My first taste of erotic embarrassment, you might say.

5. First celebrity crush. I never really crushed on celebs in my youth.  The first I can remember really lusting over was Sandra Bullock, in that scene where she is kickboxing in one of her movies…but that was in the past 10 years or so.  Late bloomer, I guess!

6. First sexual fantasy. The first fantasy I ever masturbated to was pretty simple: an image of sucking on a woman’s nipples.  Seriously!  I think I was about 13 or maybe early 14, and had just discovered masturbation (via the Hite Report). That was my first real intentional fantasy though, where I called up the image in my mind and brought myself to orgasm with it.

7. First person you fell in love with. See #2 above.  Seems I fall in love with my lovers…

8. First proper sex toy. A BIG battery-operated vibe that actually never saw much action because I was always too embarrassed to get it out and use it with my (now) ex.

9. First porn video. God I am a late bloomer. I had to have been about 18.  Was at what I now realize was a swingers party for teens.  My best friend had moved down to “the city” and was living the wild life and had invited me to a hottub party.  Drugs, drink, horny teenagers, a hottub, plenty of bedrooms…and me, the country mouse.  Shy and introverted and easily shocked, in spite of having shocked the town by moving in with my 22 yr old bf when I was 16.  I get into the hottub in my suit, within moments realize no one else has on any bottoms and there are multiple hands roaming everywhere…including into my suit! I jump up, run into house, into a bedroom to be alone, catch my breath…and there it is, a porn movie on the screen.  I sit there, fascinated and repelled, for a good ten minutes.  A boy comes up behind me and puts his arms around me, starts making out with me.  I don’t know if I was aroused or not…I was afraid of everything that was going on, I do know that. He ended up having sex with me…not because I wanted to, but because I just didn’t say no.  Huh, weird to remember that now.

10. First sexy lingerie item/sexy briefs owned. I think the first I bought to “be sexy” were for the play parties I started attending when I got into the BDSM scene.  Gah–late bloomer again! I was in my 30’s.  But boy did I make up for lost time…

11. First time giving oral. Would have been the seasonal fireman in between my first love and the guy I moved in with when I was 16. He was transient in that he came up for the fire season and lived in his van, then left during the wet season.  He had a friend that my “bad girl” girlfriend was sleeping with, I ended up with him, Steve. He was wonderful…I wanted to learn, he taught me, in a sexy, loving way, how to please him.  Later he told me the best part of giving head was not “skill” perse, but that the girl really digs it.  And honey, I dig it.

12. First time getting oral. No idea.  Maybe because it wasn’t great, or even good.  I just plain didn’t like it.  Until I got my clit hood pierced.  That was memorable. The first time I came thru oral…OMG.  I had had the piercing for about 2 weeks. It was particularly sensitive–I tend to have a clit that works fairly well, and this made it work that much more so. So much that I hadn’t really been able to tolerate much stimulation up to that night.  So my ex has been spanking me and teasing me, and finally ties me to the bed, spread eagled, goes down on me.  I am not so sure about this…it’s never worked before.  A few little laps at the bar though is like an electric shock from my clit to my brain.  That’s all it takes, him licking, like a kitten at a bowl of milk, and I am coming and jerking at the bonds.  It was incredible.

13. First orgasm given by someone else. My first oragsm by someone else was actually thru what most woman would consider an anal rape.  I told you I went for bad boys.  Well my first husband was as bad as they get…and as sweet as they get.  True Jekyll/Hyde when he was drinking. But his sexual violence turned me on, something that I can now accept about myself, knowing and accepting my kink as I do.  Then, it scared the fuck out of me, made me feel dirty and sick.  But it is what it is.  He had come home after a night with the boys…not drunk, but not sober.  This was when the “good” bad stuff happened: he was not drunk enough to be mean, just enough to blur the boundaries.  We argued, he threw me on the bed, I jumped up and ran into the front room.  He caught me at the couch, drug me off it to the floor.  Tore my clothes, ripped my panties down, started to fuck me.  I was still fighting him, still mad, but excited (and hating myself for my excitement.) Then he flipped me over.  Pushed me up to the couch so that he can have me doggie style. I gave in as he held me down–but he didn’t fuck my pussy.  He shoved into my ass.  He wasn’t dry, he was wet from me, but he was huge, and it hurt…I screamed, he covered my mouth with his hand, and begans to stroke into me, deep, hard.  And as he leaned over me and told me he is going to fuck my ass anytime he wants, and I am going to like it…I came.

14. First one night stand. First intentional one stand: Alfredo.  I had had a crush on him from afar for a long time.  I was moving the next day.  He didn’t know that.  I wanted to be a slut and enjoy it.  I asked him out with the intention of having sex with him, knowing I would be gone the next day and would never see him again.

15. First dirty book/dirty mag read. I read really smutty porn-dressed-up-as-romance novels voraciously when I was in my early teens.  The first “real” smut I read was the first of the Beauty series books by Anne Rice.  I had heard about it and went and bought a copy at a local bookstore.  I remember the look the salesperson gave me as I took it up to the counter.  I didn’t actually know it was S/M, nor even what S/M was at the time, just that a friend had told me I had to read it because it was “so hot.”  I was so embarrassed-after-the-fact when I realized why the salesperson had looked at me so weird!

Oh wait, wait…I just flashed on a memory.  My father was still alive, this had to have been when I was 12 or 13…he used to take books to the flea market and have a stall there…I was helping him sort them and I found something with a picture of a woman being abducted… I slipped it into my sweater and read it later that night by flashlight, after he had gone to bed.  I guess that would be the first.