Craig’s List, fuck buddies, the hook-up. They all boil down to the same thing: sex for the sake of sex, uncomplicated, detached, remote. The act of sex removed from any connection other than two bodies fulfilling that most basic and primal of needs: sexual gratification. A while ago I read this post and something in it struck me deeply enough to cause me to save the link, knowing I would be musing on it later. There was the obvious reason: my gf has used CL before, and reading this gave me some possible insight into her, into the of why of it, like, the why of her head, not the obvious why (because sex feels good.) Because, frankly, it’s a pretty foreign concept to me. Cruising for sex–remote, disconnected-from-intimacy sex–is something that just doesn’t appeal to me, and never has.
I had one experience with picking up a guy from a bar some years ago. We danced, we drank, he took me out to his car…and shoved my head down between his legs for a blowjob. I gave it to him; resistance at that point seemed futile. Well, it was, kind of, I struggled a bit, he was pretty insistent, it was just easier to give in. Then it was over, he said thanks, and I left. Not exactly a fulfilling ending to my one attempt to have meaningless sex with a stranger. So maybe that has colored my perceptions of the whole idea since. I don’t know. Or maybe that wasn’t what I was after even then, actually. In remembering the incident, I recall trying to engage him in talk, wanting to know about who he was and what he wanted in life and what he thought about when he wasn’t picking up strange girls in bars. Obviously shoving my head down to his cock was self-defense. lol
Anyway. Bottom line is that I just don’t enjoy sex just for the sake of sex. I love sex, I get enormous physical pleasure from it, I want it as much as the next person, but not just for the physical act, not just as a bodily function. I crave the the intimacy that accompanies it. Sex for me is about connection, it is about intimacy, whether that connection is love, D/s or even just friendship. Disconnected sex does nothing for me. The physical need for an orgasm is certainly one I recognize and feel, but I don’t need a cock to make it happen, to make it fulfilling, and sometimes, if it’s just about physical release, it’s just easier (gasp) to do it myself. If I am going to have sexual gratification without the intimacy, give me a vibrator or my fingers. Less muss, less fuss that way. But if I am reading Library Vixen’s post correctly, and if I understood what I heard from my gf after her CL adventure, I don’t necessarily believe it’s just about the act of getting fucked for them either (although, granted, that physicality is paramount as well.) I do think there are deeper needs that are being met by these encounters, emotional needs that don’t have so much to do with the physical sex, but which are tied into feelings of validation. It’s a fascinating topic, actually, and if I was still in school, I’d make a thesis paper out of it.
(There is a whole other aside to this discussion as well, on the topic of being made to have sex with others, with strangers, by W. But that does satisfy that basic need for connection in me, because, although the sex act is with a stranger, although it is all about anonymous cock/pussy, the connection is there–even though once removed–in my connection to W.)
All that said, there is an entire population that obviously feels differently than I do. My guess is that the CL phenomena is a generational thing. In “my day” people cruised the bars looking for sex. One night stands, we used to call them, “hook-ups” I think they are referred to now. That is so obviously analogous to this it’s almost stupid to point it out. CL is just another way to cruise w/o hitting the bars. Maybe a more efficient way, to be honest. And a more honest way. One thing my partner A really admired about our gf’s ad was her clarity, her absolute understanding of her own wants/needs, and her ability to articulate it. There isn’t any of the pretense that went on with the bar scene, the “Will he call me later,” stuff. You both state what you are there for and go after it.
And I also see a parallel between me cruising the online personals, keeping my OkCupid profile up to date, talking to and meeting people from there and on FL. I am doing the same thing: fulfilling my basic needs, which are for intellectual, emotional, and possibly sexual intimacy, via those connections. Same thing, really, just different needs being met.
Or perhaps, the same core need: validation.