A Stretch: Do I Have to Choose Just ONE?

So most of you know that I write articles on poly relationships and kink here and there on Eden Cafe (if you’re not aware, you can check out a list of the stuff I’ve written here.) While it’s not a paying gig (at least in “real” dollars), I do get some remuneration: I get paid in Eden Fantasys gift cards.

I’ve never been one to buy a lot of sex toys. My ex and I went through a brief period where we bought a dildo, my beloved Hitachi, a set of anal beads, but most of the toys we’ve purchased have been of the whips & rope variety, or toys that would lend themselves well to that kind of play.

Even after I left him, I didn’t go in for a lot of toys, although occasionally I went crazy and bought a whole slew of things just to see what they were like (reading others’ blogs and reviews actually instigated a lot of that. I’d never known there was such variety and joy to be had!)  So I’ve wound up with a couple different, yummy, g-spot stimulators, a clit vibrator that I don’t love (I’m pretty well sold on Baldy) and some other miscellaneous things that we use occasionally. Part of the reason I didn’t buy sex toys was, honestly, that spending money (sometimes a lot of money) on toys to enhance my sex life never seemed all that imperative. Let’s face it, I have a pretty fucking awesome sex life as it is. If I’ve got extra cash, it’s gonna be spent on shoes, okay?

Then, suddenly, I started getting these gift cards in the mail. For doing what I already love to do. And they can only be spent on…sex stuff. Toys, lingerie, etc. There was a moment when I got my first one that I thought, “It’s a shame this isn’t a more generic card, because then I could, you know, spend it at Target or something, for stuff I really need.” And then I did one of those mental headslaps.  “Hey, dummie! Here you have the opportunity to buy stuff you never thought about buying because you didn’t want to waste the money…  Duh.” And I was off.  It was like a whole nuther world had opened up.

My first purchases were two glass buttplugs, which I may have mentioned a time or two, like here and here.  And oh yummy, I love those buttplugs.  I love that I can wear them for extended periods of time (a few hours, at least) and not feel the acute discomfort that I did with the other sort…those rubberized or latex or whatever material they were.  Ouch and ick!

And lately I’ve been contemplating buying a stainless steel one, the Pfun Plug or possibly a Pure Plug, but, well, I am notorious for being unable to make up my mind, so I haven’t purchased either yet.

But then, the other day, while poking around there, I ran across these gigantic dildos, huge, molded-from-real-men’s-cocks dildos, and I was like…oh my god. Yummm.

And yikes!  These things are HUGE!  But, I started fantasizing.  Fantasizing about being stretched wide, filled up, pulled open, stuffed by a huge cock-shaped dildo.  Ass and cunt.

This isn’t a new thought for me.  A long, long time ago, when I first started exploring kink online, I started emailing this chick and her Dom. On her AFF profile she stated that he liked to insert large objects inside her, stretch her out, fill her as full as possible.  At the time I pretended (to myself, because I wasn’t yet ready to face my own desires) that that wasn’t why I was attracted to her profile, or why I had messaged her.  I never did meet with her, but from time to time (okay, more often than that) my mind has drifted (oftentimes while my hand is drifting downwards) to images of women with their legs spread open, often forcibly, as huge things are shoved into their cunts.

And then one day W told me about this guy he knows, that he calls “The Tool,” who has a gigantic cock, and who he’d like to have fuck me, impersonally, just use my holes as W tells him to do.

Yowza.  More fuel for my fantasy-head.

The John Holmes: Length: 13" Insertable length: 10" Circumference: 8" Diameter: 2 1/2" Weight: 2 lb (!)

Anyway. Now I am trying to decide if I should buy one of these dildos instead. And if so, which one? Do I start out smaller and work my way up? But they are expensive, so it may be awhile before I could buy the next size up.  Course, who knows if I can even take a “small” one. And am I more turned on my length, or girth? Does it matter if it looks like a real cock–do I even want it to look like a real cock?  Ad laughed when I was looking at them, because the ones that are “named” are more expensive than the generics. “Do you really have to buy a dildo named after John Holmes?”

Um, no, I could fuck “Bam” apparently, whoever that is.

"Bam": Length: 13" Insertable length: 10" Circumference: 8 1/2" Diameter: 2 3/4"

Or maybe even (Good lord) Ty Fox’s huge cock (three pounds o’cock!).

"Ty": Length: Insertable length: 8" Circumference: 7 1/2" Diameter: 2 1/2" Weight: 3 lb

I wonder if other women, while they are fucking themselves with one of these, or being fucked with one of these, is saying, “Fuck me, Ty! Fuck me!”  (And would I?)

Of course there are always the generic ones, as Ad pointed out. Poor little…er…giant cocks, with no name! As is the  case of this somewhat smaller but still impressive dildo called the “Realistic Cock.” Kinda sad not to have a name, huh? But still, a nice-looking piece o’cockmeat, if you go for that sort of thing (looking realistic.)

The Generic: Length: 9" Insertable length: 8" Circumference: 6 1/4" Diameter: 2"

I can’t decide if the wrinkly balls on these gak me out, or if I’d care.  I mean, I like my Guys’ balls…but rubberized ones? Cut in half the way they are?  I dunno.

If I was going for length rather than girth (which I think I might if it was going to be an anal toy), there’s always this beauty.  Not quite as fat as ole JH’s, but still respectable.

"Kevin Dean": Length: 13" Insertable length: 9 3/4" Circumference: 7" Diameter: 2 1/4"
"Kevin Dean": Length: 13" Insertable length: 9 3/4" Circumference: 7" Diameter: 2 1/4"

And last but not least, what about non-realistic (at least in color) dildoes? Like this little – er, not-so-little – number? This one is smaller comparatively. And obviously, I am doing my comparison shopping here.

Crystal Jelly: Length: 9"  Insertable length: 7 1/2" Circumference: 6" Diameter: 1 7/8" Weight: 1.5 lb
Crystal Jelly: Length: 9" Insertable length: 7 1/2" Circumference: 6" Diameter: 1 7/8" Weight: 1.5 lb

And this, my friends, is why I can’t make a decision to save my life. (And possibly why I like to sleep around.) There’s just too much variety out there. Too much to choose from. How can a girl choose just one??

4 Comments

  1. I am petrified of every dildo that you posted on here. Those things are HUGE.

    1. piecesofjade says:

      LOL I know! Crazy, aren’t they?? I don’t know if I have the (ahem) balls to actually buy one.

  2. dominadoll says:

    Whoa! Those are pretty crazy. But, hell why not? You don’t know until you try :) I tried one recently (in my strangest sex toy reviews – the incubus dildo) and I was blown away. Reminded me of a guy I once new and his massive dick that made me walk like I’d been riding a horse for days ;)

    1. piecesofjade says:

      I went over and took a look at your strange sex toys reviews–what a lot of weird stuff is out there! I don’t do toy reviews, but THOSE kind I could get behind. ;-)

      Jade

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