I am feeling dissatisfied. Edgy, moody, in need. Wanting to feel the bite…the edges.
I need to run, I think. Find that feeling by pushing myself through to the point of exhaustion, beyond myself, beyond the pain, beyond the “here”-ness of my SELF, through to the point of empty-ness, to where I pant and tremble and float and am, simply, an empty, open, vessel.
Huh. Am I describing running? Or something else?
I do get there by running. I know that is part of the appeal, why I started doing it. I could take myself there, to that place I have always needed someone else to take me. Not quite the same, but (maybe) close enough.
But if I am to be honest with myself, I will acknowledge that running is not the way I want to get there. But…it is a way.
I’ve thought a lot about pain recently. About my relationship with it, what it does for me, to me, how I respond to it and why. There was a thread recently on Florida Dom’s blog about pain, and whether people feel they “need” it. So many of the comments are right on target with how I feel:
spirited one: “…I do crave the pain for the psychological benefits. It helps to center me, relieves stress and anxiety and helps me feel more submissive…“
M:e: “I have always said I’m a ‘mental masochist’ in that my turn on is definitely more connected to submitting to HWMBA than to the pain itself. That said, while my head would always say no to the pain, my body betrays it by reacting rather differently so I have a hard time convincing HWMBA of that sometimes.
As for how much? Depends on how submissive I’m feeling which is usually directly connected to how things are between us. The better they are, the more I find I can take.“
TrueBlue: “…I have a hard time figuring out whether it is the pain that turns me on or the act of submission that goes along with it. I have a feeling that’s a question that probably goes unanswered for a lot of subs.“
Mouse had a good post on the topic as well, and in particular I keyed in to a comment on it by Raheretic:
“The issue was not so much was she….did that description aptly describe her orientation…..but rather how did that realization effect her self-concept?“
I think that is a very valid point. If I say, “I do this because it is about submission,” that means one thing, in my mind and in the minds of others. If I say, “I crave/need pain for the sake of pain,” then…what does that say about me? Something else entirely. And can I accept what that might say about me?
On the other hand, I do know a large part of it for me is something I feel in my head, something that is triggered not by the physical part of it, but by some mental/emotional trigger. And yet…I don’t know if I can get there, to that emotional/mental trigger, without those physical stressors.
No, I don’t feel that I “need” pain… Until I feel like I do today, and I want out of my skin and my head and I know the only way to get there is that way.
Still, is it the pain, or the connection that drives me? That pushes me to that place in my head (out of my head) that I crave to be?
And in the end, does it matter?
When I was younger I use to use pain for emotional release. My ex (Sarah) use to have to find alternate ways to punish me because pain didn’t work. I often found I craved it and didn’t want it to stop. There were a few times I even passed out from it because I never told Sarah it was getting to be to much. Part of the reason was I had very troubled teen years. When I came out as a lesbian to my parents (at 16) there was a big blow out and I left home. It was over three years before I reconnected with them and we fixed out relationship. I basically lost everything and started over with Sarah which also ended up being some F**k’ed up years themselves. There more detail in my coming out post on my blog. Today I’m in a much better place in my life. Just wanted to share my experiences on the topic with you.
~Jessica~
So do you engage in pain play now? And is it still an emotional release, or is something else for you?
The pain play we engage in is physically pleasurable (he mixes pain & pleasure, eroticizing it and using it as an enhancement to the entire experience, as opposed to being the REASON for it, if that makes sense) well as emotionally satisfying (allowing me to feel that sense of relief & quiet afterward.)
I am not sure how I would feel about pain as punishment, especially as I have interconnected pain & pleasure so deeply in my mind.
I wasn’t involved with pain play for awhile but over the holidays when I was with lifestyle friends in NY I found myself getting back into it. Now that I’m in a much better place in my life I feel more like you do. I find it very pleasurable and erotic. I love having the pain/pleasure thresholds mixed together.
With Sarah pain was never a good punishment. She usually had to do something that would get to me on a psychological level.
Reading Britni’s comment I felt the same was as her years ago. I really desired the beatings & heavy pain when dealing with emotional issues which back than was quite often.
Hope that answers your question. ~Jessica~
I do not consider myself a masochist, but when I am hurting emotionally, or am upset or angry, I crave it. That’s when I crave beatings from Profligacy the most. I think it’s probably similar to the way someone who self-mutilates cuts themselves when they’re hurting: it’s a physical release of emotional pain. I can hurt physically, and then I stop (at least temporarily) hurting emotionally.
(nod) I have heard this from many others as well. Although I am not hurting emotionally and seeking relief from that, I *am* seeking a surcease from the noise in my head, seeking the quiet space that comes during, when I am so hyper-focused on him and what he is doing, and after, when I am just floating.
How people respond to pain, what they do with it, how it affects them and why they seek it out is endlessly interesting to me, as it is so varied.