I am feeling dissatisfied. Edgy, moody, in need. Wanting to feel the bite…the edges.
I need to run, I think. Find that feeling by pushing myself through to the point of exhaustion, beyond myself, beyond the pain, beyond the “here”-ness of my SELF, through to the point of empty-ness, to where I pant and tremble and float and am, simply, an empty, open, vessel.
Huh. Am I describing running? Or something else?
I do get there by running. I know that is part of the appeal, why I started doing it. I could take myself there, to that place I have always needed someone else to take me. Not quite the same, but (maybe) close enough.
But if I am to be honest with myself, I will acknowledge that running is not the way I want to get there. But…it is a way.
I’ve thought a lot about pain recently. About my relationship with it, what it does for me, to me, how I respond to it and why. There was a thread recently on Florida Dom’s blog about pain, and whether people feel they “need” it. So many of the comments are right on target with how I feel:
spirited one: “…I do crave the pain for the psychological benefits. It helps to center me, relieves stress and anxiety and helps me feel more submissive…“
M:e: “I have always said I’m a ‘mental masochist’ in that my turn on is definitely more connected to submitting to HWMBA than to the pain itself. That said, while my head would always say no to the pain, my body betrays it by reacting rather differently so I have a hard time convincing HWMBA of that sometimes.
As for how much? Depends on how submissive I’m feeling which is usually directly connected to how things are between us. The better they are, the more I find I can take.“
TrueBlue: “…I have a hard time figuring out whether it is the pain that turns me on or the act of submission that goes along with it. I have a feeling that’s a question that probably goes unanswered for a lot of subs.“
“The issue was not so much was she….did that description aptly describe her orientation…..but rather how did that realization effect her self-concept?“
I think that is a very valid point. If I say, “I do this because it is about submission,” that means one thing, in my mind and in the minds of others. If I say, “I crave/need pain for the sake of pain,” then…what does that say about me? Something else entirely. And can I accept what that might say about me?
On the other hand, I do know a large part of it for me is something I feel in my head, something that is triggered not by the physical part of it, but by some mental/emotional trigger. And yet…I don’t know if I can get there, to that emotional/mental trigger, without those physical stressors.
No, I don’t feel that I “need” pain… Until I feel like I do today, and I want out of my skin and my head and I know the only way to get there is that way.
Still, is it the pain, or the connection that drives me? That pushes me to that place in my head (out of my head) that I crave to be?
And in the end, does it matter?