Sometimes I forget in the middle of things that I am a submissive, and that part of that, the “submitting” part, is simply doing what he wants, regardless of if it is personally working for me, because it makes him happy. It makes him hard, it makes him excited, it gets him off.
And that, after all, is why I am here, right?
Huh. Novel concept.
I was reminded of that today, sitting across from him in his office as we chatted idly about an upcoming event this weekend, and I saw, in his face, how pleased he was that I was doing what I was doing.
I was feeling pissy and resentful about it, to be honest. But knowing that in this particular instance, speaking up wasn’t going to change anything, I bit my tongue and held my peace, because I didn’t want to ruin it for him.
And because, at the core of me, I wanted to do what he wanted me to, regardless of if, in the moment, it was working for me.
This is an odd space for me to be in mentally, to be honest. I don’t do the “I’m a submissive, therefore I obey in silence and with proper attitude” thing. But being submissive, there is part of me that does react that way, naturally, and so when I am placed in a situation where those two parts of me are in conflict, well, I struggle. Since he’s gotten back, and I’ve had to arrange this situation at his request, I’ve been struggling with my feelings of resentment, not because I do not want to do what he wants, to submit to what he wants, but because I have felt, in this instance, that I have been submitting in a kind of…vacuum. That it is all me, arranging, managing, making happen, when I feel that this should be his role in things. I want him to tell me what to do, to be in control, to be manipulating things–and me. I feel like he is getting all the benefit and I am getting none of the reward that I typically get, that feeling of being controlled.
In the moment, it is easy to feel my submission echoed by his dominance. In the moment, there is no doubt that he is exerting definite, overt and complete control over me, both emotionally and physically, and my submissive self rejoices, and responds instinctively. My submission is rewarded by his dominance. It is circular, and my need to submit to him is fed–and rewarded–by his control over me. And I need that reward.
But outside of those “in the moment” times, our relationship is not one of typical D/s interactions. He does not require or want my obedience, does not want or require that I “see the world through his eyes,” as Vesta says in a post that has had me thinking quite a bit as I struggle with these feelings. He does not require me to obey any rules, that I live my life according to the way that he wants me to live it. He requires very little of me, in fact, other than that when I am with him I allow him to do those things that he wishes to do to me. When I am with him, I am his to do with as he wants.
This is the easy part for me. Dominance on his part = submission on mine. But what I feel in general about our relationship, the underlying thread of submission I feel for him is not generated by dominance on his part. Any submission I feel for him outside of that “in the moment” is entirely generated from within myself, and from a need that I have to submit, not from his desire to dominate me or for me to submit to him. I submit to him because it is a part of me and a part of what I feel for him. Outside of those “in the moment” times, my submission is not reciprocated, not fed, by his dominance. And sometimes, that makes it difficult for me. It makes me feel, at those times, that I am submitting in a vacuum.
So this, in part, was what I was angry about. He wants me to do something, which I very much want to do–for him–but what I want to get out of it, the feeling of being controlled, is not there. I am submitting to him, but he is not dominating or controlling the situation or me. Instead he puts it on my shoulders, “You arrange it.” He wants me to do it so he can have the enjoyment of it without the bother of having to manage it. And hell, he’s the Top, right? Isn’t it, after all, my job to make his life easy, enjoyable? Isn’t that what being a “good submissive” is? And, being a “good submissive” I of course want to make that happen for him.
But yesterday…yesterday (and earlier today) I was feeling pissy, and like going off into my own corner of the universe and telling the world to fuck off. Like a child throwing a temper tantrum, instead of the adult I am supposed to be. The adult I know he expects me to be, the one who says, “Hey, this isn’t working for me!” if it isn’t. Because, bottom line, is that he doesn’t want me to stuff my feelings, deny or mute them, he doesn’t believe that is what a “good submissive” does any more than I do.
Except that, because I do feel this submission, whether or not he requires it, it is there, an innate part of me and in my interactions with him, and…yes, like my submissive friends living a more “traditional” D/s lifestyle, I, too, feel that need to subsume my own desires/wants/needs in order to please him. I don’t speak up. I don’t want to ruffle his feathers, I don’t want him to be displeased with anything I do or say. I want to make him happy. And today, seeing how pleased he was, of course that made it all worthwhile. I basked in the glow of knowing I was pleasing him. In the end, when it is over and I am with him again and know how much I have pleased him, I will get all the emotional feedback that I need. I will have my reward.
So is this, then, submission? Even if he is not “dominating,” is this the essence of submission? Simply obeying, of being obedient and doing what he wants me to do the way he wants it…even if…he doesn’t recognize it as such, or appreciate it for what it is? It is in the act of submission that I am fulfilled, that my own needs are, ultimately, met. Because I am not just a bottom–if I am not submitting, then it doesn’t work for me. Even if he is not dominating.
And in the end, when I know I have pleased him…fuck it all…it doesn’t matter how I got there. Vacuum or not, whatever it is in me that has this need to submit to him, is fulfilled and content. And that, after all, is what it’s all about. But damn it’s a twisted road to get here at times.