30 Days of Kink: Day 3 – Discovering Myself

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

One of my first memories of being aroused sexually was while I was reading one of those “bodice ripper” romances. I don’t remember the title, but I do remember the exact scene: a highwayman waylays a young gentlewoman’s carriage and proceeds to rape her.  Roughly, and yet gently too, and of course she climaxes as well, and she can never forget him, and, after a lot of rough, steamy, half-raping sex, they admit their love for one another and live happily ever after.  Heh, now that I think about it, I recall that it even had elements of one of W’s fantasies: blackmail. She offers herself to him if he will let her brother live, or maybe keep him out of jail or something, and later he uses that against her to affect her acquiescence several more times, until she discovers that his supposed hold over her is all a lie…and well, it’s a smarmy romance.  You get the idea.

That’s not actually when I “discovered” I was kinky, but in looking back it certainly is a pretty clear indication of one of my kinks. I remember feeling ashamed of my arousal even then.  I don’t know if my shame was about being aroused, about feeling sexual, or if it was shame over what had aroused me, though.

It seems that I have felt shame over being sexual, feeling sexual & liking sex for as long as I have been sexual.  I’ve been doing some cogitating and talking about that with W and Ad…working thru some of my own hang-ups, parsing out why I am me, and why I react/feel the way I do about certain things. Hopefully some of that will make it’s way here, although it’s an awful lot to digest in one sitting, so who knows.

In any case, I was introduced “properly” to kink via a couple that I dated for a short time. They weren’t kinky per se, but he was quite dominant, and did some dominating things to her sexually when we were together that I was at first shocked to witness, and then surprised to discover I really liked and that really turned me on. That was my first inkling. Then when I went to one of the websites that she recommended and started reading about this so-called “lifestyle,” well it was like a lightbulb turned on in my head. I was so fired up in fact, that I didn’t even bother with the 12 months of exploring in secret online and instead jumped right into the local, real life scene. When I saw a woman get tied up at a PEP meeting as the demo bottom, I knew right then that I’d found my place. I was “home.” And I haven’t looked back since.

For the rest of this series, and to see who else is participating, visit here: 30 Days of Kink.

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