I had a rough day today. I don’t have them often, but usually a day of insane emotional turbulence like today’s can be attributed to subdrop or PMS. I don’t know what to attribute today’s bout to. It ended well…in fact much better than I could have imagined when it started out, and here I am at home, snug in bed with Ad after a much needed schtupping and loving and cuddles and talk. I shared all my ups and downs with him, and he laid me out on the bed and…just touched me…so tenderly…and then folded me up and had his sweet way with me, helping to make everything right, even as W had done so with his words earlier in the day.
I wrote this post earlier, and although I thought about keeping it private…I don’t know. It deserves to be out here. It says some pretty significant things, and I don’t want to hide those. Beware though: major schmoop.
From this afternoon:
OMG. I am so hot, so wet, so turned on right now I can hardly stand it.
Had an amazing chat with W. I was…pinging off the walls…anxiety hamster in my head…just a freaking mess, and…knowing I had to…I emailed him, asked him to please please please chat with me. And he did…and put everything right.
So right that I am a hot wet mess right now.
And guess what? Everything is going to be all right. More than all right. “Perfecter” is the word that was used, I think.
God I love that man.
I have never felt so utterly, completely in thrall to a person.
Once, long ago, a boy broke my heart. Stabbed it, ripped it out, gutted me. I thought I was going to die. I wanted to die. I tried to die.
I never ever thought anyone else could break my heart again. Not because I have never loved anyone else–I do, and deeply–but because I have just never let myself feel that much. Enough that when I fear I might lose that love, everything inside me seizes up and the bottom of my heart falls out.
I felt that way today. I realize that it was not a reality to be feared (losing him) but, due to the emotional state I was in, reality and fear and anxiety all got mixed up and I wasn’t sure what was real and what was in my head. All I knew was that if this ended…I would be lost.
My world would shatter without him.
Melodramatic, I know. And I don’t give a shit.
I have no idea how I got here. I didn’t know I was here until today. Until I felt that gut-wrenching pull of fear and utter certainty that I would do anything to make it good enough for him that he would stay.
And you know what? He said he wants exactly what we have.
I am so glad that I am what he wants.
Yeah, so, that was earlier. I am much better now, after a good long talk with him. I know that whatever dire things I was feeling, for the most part, they were in my own head.
But the other? That realization that I had, about what W, and this relationship, means to me?
That’s as real as it gets.