I Want My Life Back

It makes me sad, but when I’m not doing anything sexy, even though I have tons of stuff that’s happened that I could write about, I have no desire to do so.

I need to feel sexy in the moment to feel inspired to write about it at all.

This bodes ill for the next few months.

Maybe I’m just having a bad morning. Or week.  Or…something.  Bleh.  But at the moment I feel a dry, desolate landscape stretching before me, with no desire, no humidity, no moisture-laden heat to succor me. Do I force myself thru, dredge up a draft from the past and apply myself to the burden of manufacturing desire, where none exists? Or do I concede, give in, curl into myself and spend every night sitting on the couch, anesthetizing myself with television and crochet?

I really can’t do this for long.

“It’ll be nice to have a regular, nightly routine,” Ad said last night, comforted by the prospect stretching before him of endless nights of having me home.  All I could think was that I did have a routine. A routine that I liked.  Maybe it wasn’t his routine of sitting on the couch night after night, watching TV, reading, or playing a video game, but I don’t want that routine.  I want the one I had. I want the freedom I had.  I’m feeling trapped, feeling myself pacing the limits of my freedom like a caged beast, my tail thrashing, extending and retracting my claws convulsively.

And it’s only been one day.

But I can see these days and nights stretching out before me too, and unlike him, I am not comforted by them.

I need more than this.

It’s like the lack of public play venues in this godforsaken city. I need the energy of others watching, bearing witness, and barring that I get twitchy and irritable.

I’m already, one day into this fucking thing, feeling twitchy and irritable.

Fuck me.  Maybe I’m just having a bad day.

5 Comments

  1. KaziGrrl says:

    No, I totally get the sense of twitchiness and feeling trapped. When what you have is not enough, it’s a natural reaction and one I know well ¬¬

  2. It is amazing how just seeing others play or even simply hanging out with a few like minded souls makes such a difference.

    1. piecesofjade says:

      Yeah, for me it’s the energy that all those people generate…the excitement and empathy and psychological heat…

      Right now it’s not so much the public play that I am missing (tho for fuck’s sake, that would certainly help) but that exact same feeling that just being around W when we’re in that mode generates.

  3. Julian Arancia says:

    *heavy sigh*

    Trust me, I know what you’re feeling. With this home remodel I’ve felt imprisoned in many ways for weeks. I’ve had to be home most of the time during the days: I haven’t felt comfortable being out of the house longer than a couple of hours.

    I had a week respite with our kids (cats/dogs) being boarded when Jena was out. But otherwise, I’ve been tightly shackled to the homestead throughout.

    Oh did I mention this is week 9 of this?

    So yeah, I hear you. And am feeling very similar things.

    Maybe you should come out west and we both get out of our houses and meet in Spokane! :)

    1. piecesofjade says:

      Oh sweetie…thank you for the reminder to get out of my whiny head and count my blessings. ~hugs~

      I am so glad that your ordeal is almost over!

      And yes–Spokane in December would be lovely–I am keeping my fingers crossed!

      xoxo

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