Living Fearlessly

So, that was fun.  The trip to NY, the 12 Days of Christmas…I’ve never blogged that consistently (or stuck with something so tenaciously!) as I did that. Yeah, I’ve said it before, I really suck big-time at follow-thru. But hey, I made through all twelve days! Guess it doesn’t hurt that it was hot, kinky fun, now does it? Makes it a lot easier to keep at something when there is kink and sex and orgasms included, huh? ;-)

Next up, two writing deadlines. One this weekend and one…shortly thereafter. (Oh crap–THREE deadlines Sigh. Gotta get my shit straight.)  On the 18th I start classes–two PE classes.  I’m taking Ice Skating and Yoga, and I am both thrilled and terrified.  And (finally!) I will be able to apply for graduation, with an Associate in Arts degree. Forty-six years old and I’m just now getting any kind of validation that I’m a somewhat-educated woman. Sheesh.

We’ve also got other plans in the works.  A couple play parties here in the Lou in the next few weeks, possibly venturing out to a kink/strip club hybrid night. I was sorely disappointed not have purchased tickets to MadTownKinkFest before they sold out, but I think I did the right thing (I was waiting til I got paid so I could pay cash rather than put them on a credit card) even if it did ace us out of our February plans.  When that fell apart, I tried to steer us back to Dark Odyssey Winterfire again, but W is reluctant to go there for his own reasons, so that’s out. So we might be planning a trip for the three of us to a club in Memphis instead, which could, and should, be a lot of fun.

Also up, a swingers meet’n’greet this Saturday hosted by friends of ours from our first kinky cruise, way back in November of 2010. It’s for those of us going on the November Kinky Swinger Cruise, with a longer itinerary and a larger ship and twice as many people to frolic with.  And this time? I’m gonna make it to the Fucking Room!! (The one sponsored by the ship, not our cabin – ha!) And, I hope, the play area will be very much improved as well, so we’ll actually get to play somewhere besides our cabin. Though damn, we had some hot scenes in that cabin, if I do say so myself.

It was actually a little surreal to be sitting at home last night, watching Big Bang Theory and drinking hot cocoa and butterscotch schnapps with Ad and the kids, after the week I just spent. It’s ridiculous, but in some ways I feel like this is the pretend life, and that one was the real one. Which is in no way true, of course, and yet…

There was something that felt right in that life, in that life that could have been mine.

Well, not that life. That one could never have been mine. But something like it? Possibly. Long, long ago I turned down a job that would have put me either in Chicago or New York. I was living in southern California at the time, and yet both of those cities seemed impossibly far away, huge beyond belief, incomprehensible.

Terrifying.

Needless to say, I didn’t take that job.  And now, after having spent those days there, I wonder at the foolishness of fear. I saw an awesome article on Forbes today.  It was ostensibly about making yourself more interesting, but really? It was about making your life more interesting. To yourself. About living fearlessly, and taking chances.  Really living.

I am happy to say that I’ve got most of those ten tips down.  But that is me now, after my brother died so suddenly and I realized how quickly, how easily, how unexpectedly it can all end.  I’d always been an optimist and I always found joy in my life, but I had so many fears. Of failing. Of losing. Of rejection. Of not being enough or being able to live up to my own expectations or those of others. To say that I don’t live with those fears dogging me would be a lie; but now?  Since he died, I made a pledge to myself to face those fears. To grab those fuckers by the horns and twist til I brought them to the ground.

I don’t always succeed. But…maybe that is what makes life interesting after all. The fight. The battle. The triumph–and even, sometimes, the losing. Because it’s all a learning experience. Life really is a journey–not just a destination.

Where’s your journey going to take you this year?

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