Owning My Sexuality as an “Owned” Slut

I recently responded to a thread on the Fetlife group “Sluts, Cunts and Whores” that seemed to me to be a good topic to bring over here. The group doesn’t often come up with much in the way of “thought-provoking” content/discussions, but as a submissive woman that identifies as her Owner’s slut, and that endeavors to behave in ways that please him (which generally translates to being a sexually-charged, exhibitionist, provocative and promiscuous piece of “girlmeat,” as he often calls me), one of the answers to the question made me think about my own sexuality, and how it jives with my need for outside (his) control.

The question was, “As a submissive person, how do you prove you are a slut?” (paraphrased somewhat by me.)

Honestly (as with most of the questions in this discussion group) I think the OP was actually trying to solicit salacious stories, which, you know, is all well and good (from my perspective.) As I noted, the list isn’t known for mind-blowingly intelligent discussion. I think most of us are on there to read tales of sexual promiscuity and good old-fashioned sluttery. ~shrug~

(As an aside, I always love it when people respond to these threads as though the OP’s shouldn’t be soliciting these kinds of responses.  As though the list members are too highbrow to entertain someone’s obvious calls for salacious tales of um…sluts, cunts and whores… /snark)

Anyway, one of the responses actually got my (I’ll admit, sometimes over-active) brain cells firing.  In it she said, “It encompasses owning my sexuality.” And I got to thinking about that.

I consider my sexuality to be “owned” by my BDSM partner. That is one of the tenets of W’s and my relationship. But, I do consider “owning my sexuality,” owning my identity as a sexual woman, with needs and desires of my own, and owning the right to express and have those needs fulfilled, a principal of being a “slut” in the best definition of the word as expressed in the anti-slut-shaming movement. If being a sexually adventurous, active and proactive woman makes me a “slut,” then I wear that title proudly.

So how does that jive with being “owned” sexually by another? Does it/can it?

I contend that it does.  Following is my response to that thread:

I love the idea of “owning my sexuality,” and I think, when I started exploring the BDSM lifestyle, that really was at the heart of it. Taking responsibility for my own sexual pleasure, accepting who I am, what turns me on, what I need to be fulfilled sexually. In seeking out the BDSM lifestyle I truly found–and owned–my sexual self. But in doing that, an interesting thing happened…

I discovered that at the core of my sexuality is a need for submission, to feel someone else’s control, and that to feel fulfilled sexually, to be turned on, I had to turn over the “ownership” of my sex to someone else. Seems counter-intuitive, doesn’t it? But it works for me, and when I was finally able to acknowledge and accept that, I started on the road to true sexual fulfillment.

Part of giving someone else that control is allowing him to dictate how my sexuality will be expressed. I love sex, and am a highly sexual woman. And, in fact, I can be pretty slutty (in my own understanding of the definition of the word: being promiscuous-and even indiscriminate-sexually.) But I also have a lot of inner blocks to behaving that way, a lot of conflict about what it means to me as a “good” person to behave that way, and end up with a lot of guilt about being sexually promiscuous and in enjoying those encounters. Being forced by the dynamic of my relationship to do so, because he desires it, because it turns him on, allows me to abdicate that responsibility in a way; and also reinforces that I’m still an “okay person” if I behave that way, because this person that I love and trust and respect–still loves and respects me, maybe even more so, after I have done so.

So how do I “prove” I am a slut? By behaving exactly as he wants me to, when he wants me to. By doing those things that turn him on, even if those things make me uncomfortable, whether that is flirting with someone(s), exposing myself in some way, allowing him to expose me in pictures, dressing provocatively, going out on dates with strange men, giving a blowjob to someone simply because he tells me to, or fucking men that I know and that I don’t. What he expects of me is different depending upon the situation, but I endeavor to prove myself to him every time there is a situation in which he has either given me explicit instructions in how I am to behave, or when he has not, but in which I know what actions & behavior will please him.

So while it may seem counter-intuitive for me to say that I both own my sexuality and that my sexuality is owned by him, to me it makes perfect sense. I get hot and bothered and get to have lots of good sex and behave in “slutty” ways, he gets the slut-girlfriend that he has always wanted, to use and have used by others, in exactly the ways he has always wanted.

Later, maybe I’ll share how that all worked out in “real world” application this past weekend. ;-)

4 Comments

  1. NanA says:

    On a tangent to this idea, I had a conversation recently with my daughter about masturbation; she said she thought it was a “guy” thing and I countered that it’s about being responsible for my own pleasure by understanding my body, I like your phrase “owning my sexuality.”

    I agree that for a submissive woman, it is a prerequisite of being owned that you are aware of and take responsibility for your own desires. To fully appreciate the transfer of power, you have to have the power in you to give.

    1. piecesofjade says:

      ~nodding enthusiastically~ I had much the same conversation with my own daughter about a year ago. I’ve tried to be very proactive in discussing with her the idea that her pleasure is her responsibility, and that joy in her own sexual responses, that discovering what makes her sexual self tick, is key to that. We talked more about this on our recent trip to MI–one of the wonderful discussions that we ended up having while there–and she thanked me for being open with her and talking about such things with her, and that having had this attitude has enabled her to have satisfying sexual encounters and to own her sex life–and take responsibility for what happens in it–in a way that she hasn’t seen in her friends.

  2. Julian Arancia says:

    As always, a very thoughtful and well done piece.

    I can see how people can see there’s a conflict here but I think you’ve hit it perfectly that the key here is the initial step of taking ownership of your sexuality. True ownership means you can do whatever you want with it, and that includes giving it over to someone else.

    True submission, in my opinion and experience, must always be a gift that is earned and bestowed. It’s why I find it odious when people think being a Dom means they come in like gangbusters and just start telling you what to do. It also underscores, in my mind, the importance of negotiation and having some explicit moment to mark the granting of control to another.

    Because, ultimately, the control is yours and you can always take it back should you choose to do so.

  3. I think anyone who’s involved in the BDSM community can recognize exactly where you are coming from with your response. Only by truly knowing yourself, and being aware and in charge of your sexuality can you turn it over to someone else and trust them to fill that need that you have. As someone who’s been on the other side, of “receiving” that ownership, it is something that is not taken lightly, and only someone who has fully explored themselves can truly let it go. Well-worded piece.

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